Hearthstone Media CenterHearthstone Media CenterHearthstone has TV, computers, all that stuff that makes our own lives miserable. Ever wonder what they can get on there? It's probably not any of this, but we've decided it'd be more fun to blow away the so-called fourth wall in this section. As we get more readers and subscribers, we'll see even more here. A lot of what's here now comes from "inside" humor from friends and such at the TheologyWeb forum, so don't be surprised if there are inside jokes. I'll explain some of them.
Take TV, for example. What do these guys watch all day, anyway? Find out here in the Hearthstone TV Guide. You can write to us using the email link below to make suggestions.
SCN - Stupid Crap Network
WGTV (The Warren and Garden Network - for Elapines, obviously)
WTC - Wasting Time Channel
HUH-TVN - Hearthstone United Harm Television Network
TLC - The Laughter Channel (Comedies)
These headlines just ignore the fourth wall as needed. The first set comes from a series I created for a contest called "Alumnus of the Month" on the TheologyWeb forum. There, an ideological opponent of mine styled "LakeGeorgeMan" (LGM) was in the running for the award. He and I trade barbs a lot, but we also have some fun, and this was a time when we had plenty of the latter.
In a bold maneuver, LakeGeorgeMan has furthered his campaign for TWeb Alum of the Month by paying a social visit to Dr. Felicity Hornacek, Drovine botanist and Hearthstone's super-speed analogue to the Flash.
"She's totally hot," LakeGeorgeMan told reporters as they entered the local Steak 'n Shake for dinner. "Of course, ALL these Hearthstone babes are hot, but this one is REALLY my type because she's not a theist."
"Not YET," yelled a mysterious figure in a green hood and cape standing in the drive-thru lane, where he was attempting to order a fish sandwich.
"Besides," LGM added, "did you see the last page of Seeds of Rebellion? ROWR!!!"
At least one commentator had other ideas about LGM's choice for the evening, however.
"He's been getting a lot of attention from goats lately," says C. O. Mystery, a TWeb Goat Wrangler. "He probably figures if that's the case, he'll have his best shot with a Drovine, being that they're analogous with sheep on our world."
Later that evening, Dr. Hornacek was asked how the social call went and was non-commital.
"Let's say that at first I was glad that I had the powers of super-speed. But at least I didn't have to use them." Asked to explain, she said further, "If necessary, I could have outrun him easily; or used my super speed to slap him 30 times a second, if he got fresh. But I have to admit, he was a gentleman. Though it may only have been because he had his hands all over this mitre saw all evening."
LGM ordered 32 hamburger combos and a Diet Coke. Dr. Hornacek opted for a salad.
Asked if she would date LGM again, Dr. Hornacek answered negatively. "We're from two different worlds - literally," she said.
"Unholy Alliance" Between Forces of LGM and JPH Continues to Attract Alum of the Month Votes
In yet another stunning development, LakeGeorgeMan yesterday teamed with Hearthstone resident Brom Shriker (dba "Phylloshrike") to capture Islamic terrorist Osama bin Laden and a large number of other fighters hiding out in the mountainous region straddling Pakistan and Afghanistan.
"They were quite a team," remarked Col. Billy Joe Ironjaw of the 35th Special Forces Division of the US Army. "I mean, on the one hand you have this buff, raccoon-like thing that's half plant, and then you have -- uh -- well, this guy who weighs 560 pounds and belches a lot," he said. "It's not exactly Batman and Robin, but it was effective, I'll admit that."
The duo made use of some rather unique tactics to capture their quarry, Col. Ironjaw said.
"In one case, LGM power-belched into some caves after eating 32 Steak and Shake burger combos, driving the terrorists out so that Shriker could drop boulders on them from the top of the mountain," he said. "But I guess the best one was where Shriker used his super-strength to carve an offensive cartoon of Muhammed into a mountainside, which made a bunch of the terrorists come out in an angry mob. Then LGM bellyflopped into the middle of the crowd and flattened them all."
Asked if they would ever work together again, Shriker responded in the affirmative. "He's not bad for a Skeptic," he said. "I'd like to see him take on the Sk'lan. Maybe he could make them laugh themselves to death with some of his poems."
In a peculiar turn of events, a chance meeting between LakeGeorgeMan and Brimstone -- Hearthstone's analogue to the Human Torch -- resulted in a bizarre accident.
Apparently LakeGeorgeMan was returning from a daytime health spa where he had just had his pectorals oiled, and was approaching the bus stop to catch a ride home. Brimstone was waiting for the same bus already when LGM arrived.
The two exchanged greetings, and after a moment, LGM approached Brimstone more closely, apparently to ask for the time. Unfortunately, the next moment LGM's pectorals exploded in a flash of light.
"I guess the oil they used was flammable," he later said to reporters.
Brimstone was astonished and immediately offered his apologies, then rushed to dial 911. Fortunately, LGM was not hurt. "His skin was just all gray," said Bart Boink, the EMT first on the scene. "No sweat. We just ran him through Photoshop, used the Color option, and changed it back to a normal flesh tone."
In an unprecedented effort to snag more votes for his Alum of the Month, run, LakeGeorgeMan today announced his engagement to Princess Nerina of the Sanslorian, an obscure tribe of muscular giants who live on Hearthstone's Northwestern continent.
"I was just trying to set up another date!" LakeGeorgeMan shouted as he was led to the altar.
Later, LakeGeorgeMan explained what had happened.
"I should have asked Holding what a 'Sanslorian' was. That was my first mistake," he said. "I had no idea I was going out with some 8 foot tall cross between Elmo and Wonder Woman!"
Things only got worse when they arrived at Sweet Tomatoes for their date, he said.
"I figured, these people from Hearthstone don't eat meat, so a salad buffet would be great. But then this Princess Nerina, she starts piling all this silverware on her tray and eats THAT! She doesn't even touch the lettuce. And then she ate the fender off my Mercedes for dessert!"
But that wasn't the pivotal moment of the evening.
"I was puzzled as to why she never said anything the whole evening. Apparently these people communicate through gestures and facial expression. Good grief! I had no idea that wiping my mouth with my left arm was a marriage proposal!"
Princess Nerina, however, was delighted with the state of affairs.
"He's so cute! I just had to pinch his cheek for the engagement photo. I know he's a little shabby, but we'll get him in shape and then dye all that hair bright red. He'll fit right in to our village."
Two vandals calling themselves "Goku" and "Vegeta" burst into a local Denny's restaurant late last night and trashed it, according to police reports.
"Is this a robbery?" the manager asked.
"NO!" shouted the larger, fatter one. "It's a social protest!"
The pair then proceeded to wreak havoc in the restaurant. No one was injured, but there was serious property damage.
"It was crazy," said Marvin Moot, the manager of the restaurant. "First they took out these cans of Reddi Wip and started spraying it everywhere, while yelling something that sounded like 'Kah maya maya'. They sprayed it all over the seats and put messages on the wall like 'Eat at Lapahie's Foodstand'."
The taller one then started using what appeared to be sorcery to upset things, such as changing the menu to include such dishes as Muskrat Loaf, while the fatter one bellyflopped all the furniture into splinters.
The pair left before police could arrive. Auhtorities are investigating.
This set of headlines come from a period the next month when *I* was up for "Alumnus of the Month" on the TheologyWeb forum. Since I like to beat pop Christianity into the ground, that was my theme.
Vowing to "stem the tide of Ding Dong and Twinkie Christianity," jpholding authorized Hearthstone botantist Felicity Hornacek to genetically engineer a giant monster parsnip that would chase down and eat popular teachers of watered-down spirituality.
The monster parsnip immediately headed out to California where it devoured Rick Warren, author of the popular book The Purpose Driven Life.
"The trick was to get it to crave pablum" Dr. Hornacek said. "And lo and behold, it zeroed right in on Rick Warren."
According to observers, Warren saw the parsnip coming but apparently thought it was responding to an altar call.
"He had some idea, taken from one of those decontextualized modern versions of the Bible, that 'the Gospel will be preached to every creature under heaven' included parsnips," said Deacon Dan Doorknob, one of Warren's assistants. "Well, admittedly exegesis was never one of Rick's strong points. But this is the first time it's come back to bite him."
In a response to the threat posed by the giant toon parsnip released by jpholding yesterday, Joel Osteen hastily announced the publication of a Magic Happy Fun Version™ of the Bible.
"The MHFV does away with all those icky teachings in the Bible that make us feel bad," Osteen said proudly.
For example, he said, Jesus no longer talks about sin, or judgment in hell. "We have him using the word 'oopsies' instead," Osteen explained. "And people who do oopsies are sent to 'Time Out'."
Osteen passed out a list illustrating changes from the KJV to the MHFV. For example:
Numbers 25:7-8 And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel. (KJV)
Numbers 25:7-8 And when Phinny, Laz's son and Aaron's grand-dude, saw these people, he got up, like, in the middle of everybody and shook his finger and said, "Oooooooooo, you naughy persons you!" And he lightly slapped their wrists with his pinky finger. So the Lord said, "Snow day!" and everyone went and partied to the glory of God. (MHFV)
Malachi 2:3 Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces, even the dung of your solemn feasts; and one shall take you away with it. (KJV)
Malachi 2:3 Listen, dudes. If you're not nice I'll make your pizza go bad and make prank phone calls to you all night. (MHFV)
Matthew 23:15 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves. (KJV)
Matthew 23:15 You Pharisees and scribes really bite. (MHFV)
The MHFV also special includes features like pop-up scenes and soothing music.
"You're kidding, right?" said Hearthstone representative Sheila Rangslinger. "What's this supposed to do, make us bust a gut? All I know is that if anyone did stuff like this to our Oracles, Eidolon would shove a pitchfork up their nose."
(HOUSTON -- PU) Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church was unintentionally devastated yesterday by Hearthstone visitor Brom Shriker when he happened to sneeze uncontrollably while standing outside the building.
"I didn't feel it coming," Shriker moaned. "Next thing I knew the whole place fell down in a heap."
Authorities originally suspected that Lakewood Church had been the victim of a drive-by belly-flopping perpetrated by atheist super-badguy LakeGeorgeMan. However, LGM had a sound alibi: He was having dinner and a movie with Pastor Osteen at the time of the collapse. "Joel Osteen is an absolute dream boat," LGM told reporters outside a screening of Brokeback Mountain that he had attended with Osteen. "Somebody probably was jealous of all that money he was making."
But Shriker denied any such motive. "I think I just got some word-faith teaching up my nose," he said. "They're just lucky it wasn't Annabelle Ketterling who was here when it happened. Then instead of name it and claim it, they'd be teaching sneeze it and freeze it."
Bible scholars, however, believe that Shriker's sneeze was not where blame could primarily be fixed for the collapse. Ben Witherington III of Asbury Theological Seminary, in an interview with the jpholding Campaign Newswire, noted that Osteen regularly failed to heed Jesus' advice about building on a solid foundation and not sand.
"I mean, he decided on doctrinal issues by throwing KFC bones on the ground at church picnics," Witherington said. "What kind of exegetical method is that, for crying out loud?"
Popular author Tim LaHaye, who has written over 666 books on eschatology (end times) theories, willl propose in his new book, The Rapture (release date, June 6, 2006) that a form of the "partial rapture" theory is correct.
"My new theory explains all of those problem passages in which it seems that the church is here for the Tribulation, and other passages where it seems that it isn't. It's very simple: God's going to partially rapture some people, but then drop them. Then He'll mock them with laughter. It's flawless."
Asked what sort of Christians this would happen to, LaHaye replied, "Anyone who didn't buy all the books in the Left Behind series is an obvious candidate. And also those dadblamed orthodox preterists."
LaHaye was also asked about the timing of his book's release on 6/6/06.
"Oh, that," he said. "Well, what we're going to do is get 666 copies of my new book and then sneak into the headquarters of ministries that have people that teach partial preterism, like American Vision and CRI. We'll put the book in their toilet stalls, in their break rooms, under their seat cushions, and so forth. It'll be a real beast of an effort but it'll be worth it."
Tilkrig Scientist Designs Hybrid Vehicle Fueled by Copies of 'Left Behind' Novels
Christians Find New and Better Use for End Times Fiction
One of Hearthstone's premier energy scientists, the Tilkrig Mar'i, has developed a new ground vehicle that runs on copies of Left Behind novels.
"The 'Left Behind' series is uniquely suited for this purpose," Mar'i said in an interview with the jpholding Campaign Newswire. Asked to explain why this was the case, Mar'i become elusive. "Let's just say, you know how in your world, some people burn manure for fuel? Well, figure it out. The more concentrated the manure is, the more efficient it is as a fuel. Get it?"
Series co-authors Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins reacted angrily to the news of the new vehicle. "It's another one of Satan's plots to destroy the spreading of the Good News of Jesus Christ through doggerel fiction," Jenkins shouted. "Now we know the truth! The Anti-Christ is GREEN!"
The other series author, Tim LaHaye, was not available for comment and was reportedly at the local sports equipment store purchashing hundreds of trampolines.
National Geographic Channel to Air Special on Newly-Found "Gospel of Mojo Jojo"
Media sources reported today that the National Geographic Channel, having gotten little momentum from their recent special on the Gospel of Judas, will next week air a special on a document found in a trash bin outside the Cartoon Network titled The Gospel of Mojo Jojo.
"This will bust once and for all the myth of a monolithic Christianity," said Biblical scholar Elaine Pagels. "No, really. I really, really mean it this time. This one will do it. Seriously."
Asked about the fact that only one copy has ever been found, and that clearly done on a word processor, Pagels poo-pooed the criticism. "It's obvious that early 'heretics' were very skilled at accurately preserving the words and deeds of Jesus, whereras the so-called 'orthodox' were a bunch of careless runts who couldn't actually read or write," she said.
Fellow Biblical scholar Bart Ehrman agreed with Pagels. "This is an exciting new insight into a view of Jesus as a green little evil monkey bent on world domination," he said. "Certainly first century Palestine was filled with green little evil monkeys bent on world domination who had popular followings among gullible, backwards peasants. Why I bet you couldn't have swung your arms without hitting one back then."
Textually, Ehrman said, the manuscript is secure. "There are no variant readings anywhere. Of course there is only one copy, but what difference does that make?"
The text of the Gospel of Mojo Jojo is somewhat intermittant, but here sample passages:
And Jesus said, "I am the Christ. That is what I am. If I were not the Christ, I would not be the Christ, and I would not say I am the Christ, but I am the Christ, for this is what I am."And Jesus said, "Woe until those who consume Chemical X, for they shall be mutated."
And a leper came to Jesus and asked to be healed. And Jesus turned his laser beam eyes on the leper and healed him.
Commentators here at the jpholding Campaign Newswire had some doubts about the manuscript, however.
"I think this will be a fiasco, like the time Ehrman and Pagels stumped for that Letter of Paul to the People of Townsville," Annabelle Ketterling said.
(PU) - Televangelist Benny Hinn indicated yesterday that he had laid hands on his own hair and "healed" it, according to sources close to his ministry.
"I got tired of looking like a Ken doll," Hinn said in a prepared statement. "So I put my hands on my head and claimed a new hairstyle from the Lord Jesus. I haven't actually looked in a mirror to see what happened, but because I have seed faith I believe that the Lord has done, or will do, a wonder on my behalf."
"You may be obsessed with Hearthstone if..."
1. You treat rabbits with great respect, knowing that they will whup you over the head with a boomerang if you don't.
2. You hoard oranges, call them "selalighi", and eat them in hopes of gaining superpowers.
3. Or you avoid them, thinking they'll turn you into a K'rek'skran zombie.
4. You recruit lizards to program your VCR.
5. You hoard Elmo toys, thinking you're saving them from genocide.
6. You refresh the Tektoonics front page and the TWeb Tektonics.org subforum every five seconds.
7. You think the Green Lantern Corps should switch to pink.
8. You have a Sheila Rangslinger shrine in your closet.
9. You use the word "Tas'phal'an".
10. When walking in the woods, you keep a lookout for super-powered raccoons.
11. You install a large magnet under your car to try to save gasoline.
12. You can't even bear to hear the word "Cartel".
13. You start writing things like this.
14. You use a Hearthstone avatar while discussing theology on a forum, and expect to be taken seriously.
15. You draw your own Hearthstone avatar to use on said forum.
16. You invent your own Hearthstone character, complete with bio.
17. ... after inventing a new race for that character to belong to.
18. You learn more about how Eastern and Western people relate to each other from Hearthstone than you do from college.
19. You've built a steam-jet engine in your garage... and it works.
20. You actually know the history of Hearthstone better than the history of your country.
21. You have worked as a fashion consultant for an anthropomorphic rabbit.
22. You have worked as a technical consultant for anthropomorphic creatures that eat rocks.