In that other world we know all too well, Mattchu is slowly, tortuously clambering back on to the top of the mesa where Eidolon waits for him. The prophet is reading a magazine titled Prophecy Weekly. As he hears Mattchu's labored breathing approach, he closes the magazine and puts it down. He waits. Mattchu is still gasping for breath, flat on his face. At last he decides it is time to speak.
EIDOLON: Well, little beast, that seemeth quite an exertion for thou. Hast thine breath returned enough to speak?
(Mattchu gasps and waves his hand.)
EIDOLON: I wouldst speak to thee of thy latest effort. The one that speaketh of Sir Holding as arrogant, and so on.
MATTCHU: Holdingsssesss....gasp...inssssults my precioussss!
EIDOLON: Thou speakest of...what is the name? Bart Ehrman?
(Mattchu only waves his hand. He is still gasping. Eidolon taps at his chin meditatively.)
EIDOLON: Explain the problem, please.
(Mattchu raises himself to a four-points position. With labored breath, he glares up at Eidolon hatefully.)
MATTCHU: Sssssss....Holdingsssesss...offerssss arrogant treatment of those whose arguments he doesn't like and alsssso utter hypocrisy at times. COUGH!
EIDOLON: How is this so?
MATTCHU: He sayssss skeptics are ignorant or stupid.
EIDOLON: And are they?
MATTCHU (aghast): NO!!!
EIDOLON: May I ask a question?
(Mattchu growls.)
EIDOLON: If a person is incorrect on some matter, it seemeth there are but two options: They either hath not knowledge they need, whether by misinformation or lack of knowing the truth; or they deceiveth themselves in some way. Canst thou see any other options, or dost thou agree?
MATTCHU: Duh! Of coursssse!
EIDOLON: Then you must agree, that if any person is indeed wrong, they must be ignorant, or perhaps, if the ignorance is great, stupid...correct?
MATTCHU: I..... (Matthcu's face suddenly drops a quarter foot. Drool trickles from his chin. He begins to beat on the ground with both fists.) NOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! I HASSSS TO BE RIGHT! HAS TO BE!!!
EIDOLON (drolly): As usual, little beast, you are oblivious to such things as thy hatred hath possessed thee. That of course is self-deception. Sir Holding hath made no such blanket statement as you claim; he hath called those stupid who only show evidence of stupidity. Just as thou presumes to call him arrogant, and so on, based on what tho takes as evidence.
MATTCHU: Bah! We all knowssss Holdingssses classical blunder in trying to play expert with Greek.
EIDOLON (drily): And, what else, please?
MATTCHU: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh.....uhhh.......
EIDOLON: Little beast, if that is the best that thou canst find....an instance many years past, for which he has acknowledged the error...then truly thou art a pathetic specimen. Especially since thou hast confused Nebuchadnezzar with Belshazzar of late.
MATTCHU (roars): I ssshowsss you! I am going to quote from a book review that Holding wrote of Bart Ehrman's Misquoting Jesus!
EIDOLON: I hath seen it. May I ask the problem?
MATTCHU: Uhhh....uggh...Holdingssess saysss, An example of how Ehrman fails to grasp context as a problem solver is illustrated in his exercise on page 48 in which he presents the reader with the run-on word, "lastnightatdinnerisawabundanceonthetable". He asks rhetoroically if this was "a normal or a supernatural event" and pretends that problems like these exist in the Biblical text (but gives no examples from there of an actual problem because of this). Let us further help Ehrman with his problem in thinking critically: You might be able to figure out which reading is right by checking context. If the sentence is by itself, there's no reason for us to check any further either way. But if it is followed by, "unclehenrytriedtostabitwithhisforkbutthenitdidthewatusi", or by "therewerelotsofmeatsandcheesesandbreads", then your reading problem is solved. Is that clear?" This is a prime example of Holding's extreme arrogance and this is towards a degreed biblical scholar. Notice his intellectual condescension towards Ehrman, with his phrase "Let us further help Ehrman with his problem in critical thinking". In other words, Ehrman is just a stupid man who needs a gifted intellectual like Holding to help him out.
EIDOLON (raises eyebrow): Then thou hast shown Sir Holding's criticism wrong?
MATTCHU: HUHHHH????
EIDOLON: How was Sir Holding's criticism in error? It seemeth fully right. No such problem as he claims exists.
MATTCHU: Ahhhh....uhhhh....the question was indeed rhetorical and Ehrman was trying to explain a problem for readers and no doubt knows that factors such as context are needed to distinguish between different readings.
EIDOLON (even drier): Really. Where dost Ehrman speak of this question as "rhetorical"?
MATCHU: ............uhhhhh...............
EIDOLON: Where hast Ehrman shown that he knows other 'factors' come into play to distinguish readings?
MATCHU: ............uhhhhh...............
EIDOLON: In other words, he does not. (shakes head) I will tell you a truth, little beast. Sir Holding does NOT actually believe Ehrman wast that stupid.
MATTCHU: HUHHHH???? But he ssssaid....
EIDOLON: He doth believe that Ehrman is ignorant in certain matters, true. However, in this matter, thou takest sarcasm too literally. Here, Sir Holding, actually, believeth even as Wallace does, that Ehrman knows these things, but hideth them from his readers on a popular level.
MATCHU: ............uhhhhh...............
EIDOLON: Perhaps thou canst explain, then, why Ehrman hideth such a thing from his readers at this point?
MATTCHU (spitting): BAHHH! This illustrates Holdings's hypocrisy. A perfect example of a stupid mistake on Holding's part is from the following exchange between Holding and his favorite target for abuse, Farrell Till. Again, I have copied....
EIDOLON: I have seen it. Thou hast made this error before.
MATTCHU: WHA????
EIDOLON: Sir Holding hath made it clear that the maggot Till is to be faulted for criticizing a text without proper understanding. He hath faulted no one for being born at such and such a date; dost thou see such a statement, little beast?
MATTCHU: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............
EIDOLON: Of course not. Thou hast failed to distinguish between primeval ignorance -- that is, from birth -- and ignorance of the sort that could have been readily corrected, or should have been, prior to criticism. It is the latter, not the former, Sir Holding speaks of. And even thou hast blamed the maggot Till for ignorance of that sort, on matters of social science, hast thou not? Thou speakest of hypocrisy, yet thou art the worst of that sort.
MATTCHU (dancing, screaming): AAAHHHHHHHHHH!! NOOOOO!!! Can't be! I'ssss rational! I's smart! I's better than Holdingsses!
EIDOLON: It seemeth not. But Sir Holding doth agree with you on one matter. Thou can indeed always draw a picture with crayons using stick figures. At that thou certainly excelleth.
(Mattchu runs with his hands to his ears and falls once again over the edge of the mesa. Eidolon does not even bother to watch, but turns away before the fall, picking up his magazine, and moistening his finger to turn to a selected page.)
EIDOLON: Well, I suppose that leaveth me time to check the latest in prophetic garb. I wonder if the new line of capes is available from Metacore....
