Somewhere in the mountains, Mattchu is desperately searching for something. As he rounds the edge of a small ravine, he is pulled to a sudden stop by the presence of a very large, very red creature. It is sitting on a rock as it empties sand from its boots. Mattchu gulps, and approaches cautiously.
MATTCHU: Er ---- sssssscuse me ---
The creature offers no reaction and continues to empty its boot.
MATTCHU: Sssssscuse me ---
Still no reaction. Mattchu begins to grow impatient.
MATTCHU: HEY SSSSSSSTUPID!!!!
(The creature finally turns, slowly. He gets up. For the first time Mattchu realizes that this creature is much bigger than anything he has seen before on this world.)
MATTCHU: Uhhhh ----I meanssss "ssstupid" asssss consssstructive criticisisisismsss, of coursssse!!!!
(Mattchu turns to run, but the creature is too fast. He grabs Mattchu by the tail, yowling, and holds him upside down as he peers at him, one eyebrow raised.)
BIMF: What you are? Sk'lan?
MATTCHU (trembling): Uhhhh ---- I isssss Mattchu!
BIMF (making a face): Oh. You THAT thing. (Pauses.) What you want with Bimf?
MATTCHU: Uhhh --- looking for my fansssses. You sssseen hims?
BIMF (looking thoughtful): What fanses look like?
MATTCHU: Errr --- like um, booger.
BIMF (incredulous): You got booger as fan? That goofy.
Mattchu is still being held by his tail upside down. He begins to thrash and scream. Bimf just shakes his head.
BIMF: Need to talk to you anyway. Why you ban "darren" from your blog?
MATTCHU (snaps to attention): WHAT! Becaussssse hisss second reply struck me as having a snotty tone to it...people like Darren need to grow the hell up or drop dead!
BIMF (snorts): Huh. You got booger for fan, and be snotty all the time, but hate snotty tone to you. You poor guy. Anything else? Like maybe because, he pointed out big fat mistake you make? Notice you deleted his comment pointing out mistake.
MATTCHU (screaming): ROT IN HELL!
BIMF (snorts again): Yeah, right. Nudda question. Why you call Holding, "Mr. Hominid"?
MATTCHU (grins): I refuse to call him James. P. Holding. I refuse to accord to him any kind of respect or dignity. Why should I? Since Holding refers to me in a parody fashion, I thought perhaps I should dose him with his own medicine. I recall a name for Holding that someone told me through correspondence a few years back, "J.P. Hominid". Perfect! It's a beautiful fit actually. Holding acts so uncivilized he actually reminds me of the popular conceptions of a cave-man or Neanderthal. His views are especially unsophisticated for a modern 21st century American and when I think of him, I imagine that his skeleton would be a perfect specimen of an evolutionary link between man and their prehistorical ancestors...
BIMF: Uh, scuse me.
MATTCHU: WHAT???
BIMF: That stupid.
MATTCHU: HUH???
BIMF: Dictionary say "hominid" mean A primate of the family Hominidae, of which Homo sapiens is the only extant species. That mean all humans hominid. John Loftus hominid. So Farrell Till. So Holding. Your insult stupid because it actually true and not insult. (Pauses, cocks head.) Plus, you know who invented it? Rameus. Dumb Christ-myther. He made big to-do all over the place, said he'd beat Holding in debate on TheologyWeb. Then he never posted, nothin'. Just slinked off without sound. You can't get anything right, can you? Can't even insult good. How you feed yourself? Pay someone?
MATTCHU: LOOK! I'M SSSSSORRRY! OKAY? ISSSS THAT ALL RIGHT WITH YOU???
BIMF (shrugs): Whatever. Anything else?
MATTCHU: Well, I have decided that it's time to stop being nice, stop wishing he would grow up, stop wishing that he would act more civilized. I have decided to stop calling him on his hypocrisy, to stop calling him on his incompetence, to stop pointing out his flaws.
BIMF: You canceling blog?
MATTCHU: Of courssssse not!
BIMF: Then what you do with it? Display booger collection?
MATTCHU: DROP DEAD! I NEVER ssssstopssss attacking Holdingsssses! NEVER!
BIMF (guffaws): You think you win?
MATTCHU: Grrr - not yets maybe! I believe that the only way to make J.P. Hominid go away is to crush him with a devastating blow. The only person who could do this is actually someone with a Ph.D. in biblical studies, someone who is as well read or more read than Mr. Hominid himself, and someone who can go through his work and show him for the dishonest and arrogant spin doctor that he is. The only way Mr. Hominid will go away and never show his sorry ass is to destroy him. I am not in a position yet to do this with fatal devastation, because, frankly, I don't have my Ph.D. I am expecting my B.A. in history roughly in December. If I had a Ph.D. I might do whatever I could to destroy Mr. Hominid and make the poor fellow crawl under a hole for the rest of his loathsome life.
BIMF (laughs): Good luck. You got long ways to go - and meanwhile, Holding still learning too. He be that far ahead of you at same time. But you think you win? You make stupid mistakes, like confuse Neb'nezzar with Belshazzar. And you hypocrite - you say you try to keep above the insults, above the childish behavior, above the nastiness, and above the mockery but do it all own self without one stop. You think you save world from Holding, from Sarfati, from Coulter, and others?
MATTCHU: HEY! There are in fact a number of Christians I still have some respect for.
BIMF (snorts again): THIS week. See what happens next week when they say something you not like, or friend of yours say something about them. Already you flip-flop on Hays once and think Wright may be bad because Price call him name. (Shrugs.) You go path of Harris? Of Hitchens?
MATTCHU: If I needsssss to! I would like to see revealed religions such as Christianity and Islam perish on this planet. I want to see revealed faiths like Christianity destroyed so that these extremely rude, bigoted, and arrogant people like J.P. Hominid, Jonathan Sarfati, Ann Coulter, and others feel devastated, worthless, and with a sense that their lives have been lived in delusion.
BIMF: Mean like YOU feel now?
MATTCHU: ROT IN HELL! DROP DEAD!
BIMF: Pffft. You think "belief in revelation" is "chief source of extreme arrogance, bigotry, and hatred these days"? You ever hear of Karl Marx? French Revolution? Pol Pot?
MATTCHU: HEY!! I ISSSSS HISSSTORY SSSTUDENT!
BIMF: Not good one. Maybe you need read Christianity on Trial, or Stark, For the Glory of God or Victory of Reason.
MATTCHU: KISSSS OFF!
BIMF: Whatever. But tell you what. Bimf in generous mood. He help you look for fan.
MATTCHU (brightening): REALLY?
BIMF (nodding): Yes. Which way fan go?
Mattchu points to the left. Bimf looks in that direction and nods.
BIMF: Best way to find fan is get aerial view. So Bimf help you with that.
MATTCHU: Uhhhhhhhhhhhh -----
Suddenly, Bimf holds Mattchu - still by his tail - high above his head and begins to twirl him. Mattchu begins screaming. At last Bimf releases him, and Mattchu goes flying far, far over the mountain. Bimf watches. Then he scratches his head.
BIMF: Oh. That was wrong way. Oh well.
