The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on 1 Kings

as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

1:1-4, 15 Poor old king David could get no heat. so they searched throughout Israel for a beautiful virgin. They finally found one (Abishag), and she "cherished the king, and ministered to him," but apparently he still couldn't get any heat. Shucks. Yes, and the problem with this is? SAB doesn't directly accuse David of dirt here, but by the honor regulations of the ancient world even a companion for warmth would have had to be a virgin.

2:5-9 In David's last words, he commands his son Solomon to murder Joab. True. And the problem with this is? SAB doesn't say, so this is just "argument by outrage". To be a murder (in this and others below) it has to mean Joab, et al. were innocent of any crime. Joab was a traitor and we still execute such people today.

2:24-25 Solomon has his brother (Adonijah) murdered. Ditto.

2:29-34 Solomon carries out the deathbed instructions of his father David by having Joab murdered. Double ditto. At the least we can ask why SAB thinks these things should not be reported. Would he find it believable if the Bible reported that Sol was perfectamundo?

2:33 Solomon justifies the murder of Joab by saying that Joab also was a murderer, and that the blood of Joab's victims "shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever." So the wisest of all men (1 Kg.4:31) commands that all the children of Joab are to be murdered, and that the slaughter of his innocent descendants shall continue "forever." Typical Skeptical overread. This is nothing more than a typical Oriental imprecation, like "may you burn with the bones of your fathers" -- not a literal sentence upon Joab's descendants.

2:44, 46 But Solomon is not done murdering yet. He has Shimei murdered -- or as Solomon put it, "The Lord shall return thy wickedness upon thine own head." And Shimei of course was just minding his own business -- not planning to overthrow Solomon and all that. I wonder if SAB approves of the death penalty for people who sell state secrets that could cause the ruin of a country and the deaths of millions...

3:12-15 God grants Solomon's' request and makes him the wisest of all men. (He was wiser even than Jesus.) He also promises to "lengthen Solomon's days" if he will only "walk in my ways, ... as thy father David did walk." But alas, it was only a dream. Yep, men are notorious failures. And the problem here is?

4:26 How many stalls did Solomon have? See here.

4:29 How could Solomon be "wiser than all men" and yet have his heart "turned away ... after other gods?" (1 Kg.11:4) I dunno, how could Einstein be so smart and yet walk out in the snow in his slippers? It's because having wisdom is not the same as using it. D'oh!

5:16 How many temple overseers did Solomon have? See here.

6:2, 7:1-2 The house that "Solomon built for the Lord" was tiny compared to the one he built for himself. According to 7:1-2, God's house had less than one-quarter the floor space of Solomon's. Funny thing, had it been any other way SAB would whine about God needing a palatial mansion to live in and hogging all the glory. What really is the problem here?

7:13-14 Which tribe was Hyram from? See here.

7:15 How high were the pillars of brass? See here.

7:23 In this verse we learn that God's value of Pi is exactly 3. (The actual value is approximately 3.14159.) See here.

7:26 What was the volume of the molten sea in Solomon's temple? See here.

8:5 When the ark of the covenant was brought into the temple, Solomon killed more animals than could be numbered. As usual SAB doesn't appreciate ancient hyperbole.

8:9 What was in the Ark of the Covenant? See here.

8:12 Does God dwell in darkness or in light? See here.

8:13 Does God dwell in temples? See here.

8:35 God creates droughts by causing "heaven to shut up" as a punishment for sin. Yes -- and the problem with this is? Oh, that there is no sin? Sorry.

8:46 Are all humans sinners? See here.

8:63 When dedicating the temple, Solomon kills 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep. All this blood and gore must have made God very happy. Actually it does not say he killed all at once, but in the meantime, I suppose SAB is happy that tens of times as many such animals are slaughtered every day to feed people (which ultimately most of the sacrificial meat did). So has he dropped that hamburger and his anachronistic bloodophobia yet?

9:23 How many officers did Solomon have to rule over the people? See here.

9:28 How many talents of gold did Hiram send Solomon? See here.

11:1-2 "King Solomon loved many strange women. And he had 700 wives and 300 concubines." God didn't mind the number so much; it was their "strangeness" that he objected to. Earlier, he had commanded the Israelites not to "go in unto" such strange women, but Solomon couldn't resist. And he "clave unto these in love." I don't see where SAB gets the "number vs. strangeness" idea. Meanwhile what's the deal? Sol wasn't perfect. Why does he need to be and what is the problem here?

11:2 Note that Solomon is told to stay away from foreign women. Why? Because they have different ("strange") religious beliefs, and God disapproves of mixed-faith marriages. Since SAB thinks all religions are equally false, this is the only reason he sees a problem.

11:4 The wisest man that ever lived (1 Kg.4:31) was misled by his wives into worshipping other gods. "And his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father." See 1 Sam.18:27, 27:9, 2 Sam.4:12, 5:8 13, and 11:2-17 for examples of what a man whose heart is "perfect with the Lord" can do. It was fortunate that Solomon's heart was not so perfect. See again link just above.

11:11-12 God is angry with Solomon, but decides to punish Solomon's son rather than Solomon himself, because he liked Solomon's father (David) so darned much. Yes, that's typical ancient client-patron relations in the ancient world. Heck, even today we may do someone a favor because of their parents being our friends. Meanwhile I guess Rehoboam just sat around innocently doing nothing?

11:15-16 Joab (David's captain) spent six months killing every male in Edom. Yet a few years later Edom revolted. (2 Kg.8:22) Ever occur to SAB that a bunch of them escaped to places like Egypt, and then returned? You think they just sat there waiting for the conquering forces to pin them down?

13:2 King Josiah is prophesied to sacrifice the priests of the "high places" on their altars. And he does so in 2 Kg.23:20. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). So God must approve of at least some human sacrifices. See here.

13:4 God withers the hand of king Jeroboam. Who was innocently using that hand to play Chutes and Ladders when it happened...

14:10-12 God promises to "bring evil upon the house of Jerobaom" and says he will "cut off" anyone "that pisseth against the wall." God further explains that after he kills them, their dead bodies will be eaten by dogs (if they are city dwellers) or fowls (if they are country folk). Yes, and the problem is, what? SAB's Victorian prudery against words like "pisseth"? Argument by outrage again?

14:24 God shows his homophobia by calling gay people "sodomites" and their sexual relations "abominations." Ah, yes. Expressing moral disagreement is a "phobia". Nothing like cheap psychology in place of actual argument. As an aside most modern translations understand these to be male temple prostitutes, not everyday homosexuals.

15:2 Who was the maternal grandmother of Abajam? See here.

15:3 "And his heart was not perfect with the Lord his God, as was the heart of David his father." See 1 Sam.18:27, 27:9, 2 Sam.4:12, 5:8 13, and 11:2-17 for examples of what a man whose heart is "perfect with the Lord" can do. It was fortunate that Jeroboam's heart was not so perfect. Once again SAB just doesn't get the black and white nature of ancient Semitic language. To them, there is no "90% good, 10% bad" -- if you tend to one side, even 51-49, you get regarded as though you were 100%.

15:5 David never sinned, "save only in the matter of Uriah the Hittite." But didn't David sin by numbering the people? (2 Sam.24:10) See here.

15:11-12 Asa "did that which was right in the eyes of the LORD" by expelling homosexuals (or "sodomites", as the good book calls them). Yep. Once again it's that begged moral question. I didn't see a comprehensive defense of homosexual practice, did you? Plus see above.

15:14 Did Asa remove the high places? See here.

15:14 Was Asa perfect? This verse says so, but many others say that no one is or has been perfect. See here.

15:29 Baasha kills "all of the house of Jeroboam" leaving none "to breath." This slaughter was done "according to the word of the Lord." Yes, and the problem is? Oh -- of course SAB thinks it is better to leave rival members of the house alive to lead a coup later so that more people will be killed than otherwise. Don't even lecture him about ancient political realities or moral hierarchies. The here and now is all that matters.

16:4 God says that "him that dieth of Baasha in the city shall the dogs eat; and him that dieth of his in the fields shall the fowls of the air eat." Yes, and the problem is what? SAB's Victorian prudery against Oriental imprecation?

16:6-8 When did Baasha die? See here.

16:11-12 Zimri kills everyone "that pisseth against a wall ... according to the word of the Lord." And the problem again, is what? See above. Of course we might add that the word was more prophetic than directive; not as though these guys had written instructions from Yahweh they were following, versus political realities of the day.

16:34 When Hiel rebuilds Jericho, he lays the foundation with the body of his oldest son and sets up the gates with his youngest son's body "according to the word of the Lord." Um yeah, as if Hi-el were just reading and following instructions? What's the problem here?

17:6 Ravens bring Elijah bread and flesh for breakfast and dinner. I can't see a problem other than a preconceived bias against miracles -- how about you? Though some think the word here refers not to ravens but to native Arabs.

17:22 Elijah resurrects the widow's son, contrary to those verses that say that there is no resurrection from the dead. SAB can't define "resurrection" and is wrong anyway.

18:40 Elijah orders the people to kill all prophets of Baal. Who at the time were conducting the annual Shrine Circus. No, not leading people into eternal death, what, are you kidding?

19:16 Was Jehu the son or grandson of Nimshi? See here.

19:19 When did Elisha receive the Elijah's mantle? See here.

20:28-30 God delivers the Syrians into the Israelites hands, and 100,000 were killed in one day. Of those that escaped, 27,000 were crushed by a falling wall. (It was a really big wall.) And the Syrians were just there to pick flowers. On the wall see here.

20:35-36 God sends a lion to devour a man for refusing to strike another man. Who of course should not have been punished for such disobedience to a prophet. Nah, we should have encouraged anarchy in the ancient world and allowed civilization to peter out.

20:42 The prophet tells king Ahab that he, and his people, shall be punished for releasing Ben-ha'dad: "Your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people." They say that God is merciful. But when King Ahab is merciful, he is punished for it. See 1 Sam.15:2 for a similar example of God's mercy. Merciful? It was purely a political move; Ahab was out to get his cities back, not show mercy. As for the latter see here.

21:13 Naboth is stoned to death for blaspheming god and the king. Which for SAB is no crime since no god exists who gives people eternal life. Chase that tail in a circce, SAB.

21:19 "Thus saith the Lord, in the place where dogs licked the blood of Naboth shall dogs lick thy blood, even thine." Once again SAB is too much of a weenie to bear typical Oriental imprecations.

21:21 God promises to "bring evil upon thee" and to "cut off" all those "that pisseth against the wall." God becomes furious when he sees people urinating on walls. See here.

21:23, 25 Jezebel (Ahab's "strange" wife) "stirred up" Ahab to "work wickedness in the sight of the Lord." to punish her, God vows that "the dogs shall eat Jezebel." And of course Jezebel was just innocently eating candy all that time. as usual, merely implied argument by outrage.

21:24 God says again that those that die in the city will be eaten by dogs, while those dying in the country will be eaten by fowls. And we still don't know the problem, other than that SAB is too much of a weenie to withstand ancient Oriental imprecations.

21:29 Since Ahab humbles himself before the Lord, God decides not to bring evil on him; he'll bring it on Ahab's son instead. Well, although that sounds fair enough, it contradicts other places in the Bible that claim that sons will not be punished for their father's sins. Not quite. See here plus note above.

22:19 "I saw the Lord sitting on his throne." But this contradicts the many Bible verses that say that no one has ever seen God. This canard again? See here.

22:22-23 God puts a "lying spirit" in the mouth of prophets. If so, then those Bible verses saying that God doesn't lie must be lies. See here.

22:42-43 Did Jehoshaphat remove the high places? See here.

22:43, 46 Jehoshaphat "did that which was right in the eyes of the Lord" and "took" the homosexuals (sodomites) "out of the land," or as the RSV says, "he exterminated" them. And SAB just kept on begging the moral question as usual, as well as not keeping up on scholarship that knows these were male temple prostitutes.