The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on 2 Kings as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

• 1:2-4, 17 Ahaziah was sick and sent messengers to Baalzebub to ask if he would recover. God was jealous of the attention given to his competitor and tells Ahaziah that he will die for asking the wrong god. Of course. God should not care if people go the wrong way into eternal damnation, especially if it is the leader of a country that others will follow into eternal damnation. What was I thinking?
• 1:10, 12 Elijah shows that he is "a man of God" by burning 102 men to death. SAB shows he can still only argue by outrage.
• 2:8 When Elijah needs to cross a river, he just smacks the water with his magic mantle and crosses on dry land. And the problem, other than SAB's anti-miracle bias, is what?
• 2:11 Did Elijah ascend into heaven in a whirlwind? Well, according to this verse he did, but Jn.3:13 denies it by saying, "No man hath ascended into heaven." Try this.
• 2:12 Elisha calls Elijah "father." But in Mt.23:9 Jesus says, "Call not man your father." I guess Elisha wasn't smart not to wait 800 years for that. But see here.
• 2:13 When did Elisha receive Elijah's mantle? See here.
• 2:14 Elisha repeats Elijah's trick of parting the waters of the Jordan by smiting them with his mantle. See above.
• 2:20-22 Elisha "heals" the waters by adding a pinch of salt. Ditto.
• 2:23-24 God sends two bears to rip up 42 little children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. See here.
• 3:19-25 God instructs the the Israelites, through the prophet Elisha, to implement a scorched earth policy on the Moabites. "Strike every fortified city and every choice city, and fell every good tree and stop all springs of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones." And they carry out their instructions. (Well, OK, they did leave a few stones in Kirharaseth.) This kind of tactic was used by many aggressors, including Adolf Hitler. I wonder if they also thought they were following God's instructions. This kind of tactic was used in warfare all through the ancient world, not as much by Hitler (as if SAB had any real knowledge of Nazi warfare tactics). It was used by Rome against Carthage -- why? Because old enemies always rose back up to try to get you the way you got them. I guess SAB would have preferred a protracted war with a lot more death and destruction in the long term over hundreds of years.
• 3:27 In a desperate attempt to halt the slaughter of his people by the Israelites, the king of Moab sacrifices his oldest son as a burnt offering. Yes, he did. And the problem is, what? Does SAB not watch the news because it reports bad things?
• 4:32-35 Elisha restores the life of a dead child, but only after laying on him a couple of times, putting his mouth on the child's mouth, his eyes on the child's eyes, and his hands on the child' hands. Finally, the child responds by sneezing seven times. So I guess Jesus wasn't the first to rise from the dead. Only if you use a nonsense definition -- see here.
• 5:14 Elisha can do all the tricks of Jesus (raise the dead, heal the sick, etc.). Here he cures a leper, but only after the leper dips himself seven times in the Jordan. Yes, and so what? Isn't healing of practical use? What, are we expecting Jesus to say, "Darn, I can't heal sick people or raise the dead, Elisha already did that?"
• 5:27 Elisha not only can cure leprosy, he can also dish it out. Here he makes his servant (Gehazi) and all his descendants lepers forever. But elsewhere the bible says that children shall not be punished for the sins of their fathers. Leprosy in this time meant any number of skin disorders -- and were more a problem because of ritual impurity than a matter of pain. No punishment -- just a mark of disloyalty.
• 6:6 Elisha makes an iron ax head swim. Neat trick, not even Jesus did that one! So then, same anti-miracle bias?
• 6:18 Elisha prays that God will make his adversaries blind, and God smites "them with blindness according the word of Elisha." And the problem is, what? You kill them, you're a meanie; you blind them, you're a meanie -- I guess SAB thinks we should just let ourselves be run over.
• 6:25 During a famine an ass's head sells for 80 pieces of silver and a bit of dove's dung for 5 pieces of silver. Yep. The harsh realities of ancient life under siege. SAB, don't read the newspaper.
• 6:28-29 "So we boiled my son, and did eat him." Ditto.
• 6:33 Women killed, boiled and ate their own children because of a plague that God sent, or as the Bible puts it: "Behold, this evil is of the Lord." Actually as one man put it -- a poor sport at that. And no plague either, but rather:
• 8:1 God sends a famine on the people that lasts for seven years. Which of course Deuteronomy warned them would happen if they misbehaved. Um, how many chances did they have?
• 8:10 Elisha, apparently with God's approval, tells a man to lie. So is lying forbidden or not? Might want to check here.
• 8:22 The Edomites revolt. But how could they have fought when all of their males had just recently been killed? (1 Kg.11:16) How about, a bunch of them escaped to places like Egypt, and then returned? You think they just sat there waiting for the conquering forces to pin them down?
• 8:25 Did Ahaziah begin to reign in the eleventh or the twelfth year of Joram? See here.
• 8:26 Was Ahaziah 22 or 42 years old when he began to reign? Ditto.
• 9:2 Was Jehu Nimshi's son or grandson? The word means either one -- any male descendant.
• 9:8 God says that the "whole house of Ahab shall perish," and that he "will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall." And, what? It's ancient vernacular for any male. SAB is being prudish again.
• 9:10 God plans to have dogs eat Jezebel's body. And of course Jezzy was just an innocent bystander, yes?
• 9:24 Jehu shoots an arrow right through poor old Jehoram's heart. Fact of ancient warfare. Keep that news broadcast off, SAB.
• 9:29 Did Ahaziah begin to reign in the eleventh or the twelfth year of Joram? See above.
• 9:33-37 God has Jezebel thrown off a wall. Her blood is sprinkled on the wall and on the horses, by which she is trampled. Her body is eaten by dogs and all that remains of it is her hands, feet, and skull. God says that she "shall be as dung upon the face of the field." See above. I guess SAB thinks Jezzy was just a PTA mother or something.
• 10:7-8 All seventy of king Ahab's sons are killed, their heads put in baskets, and sent to Jezreel. He says, "Lay ye them in two heaps ..." Yep. Tactic of the Assyrian war machine as well.
• 10:11 Jehu kills all that remained of king Ahab's family. Also typical ancient coup warfare.
• 10:14 Jehu captures and then murders 42 men. Princes, actually, who would be a threat to overthrow him and cause even more bloodshed. Does SAB know the words, "pre-emptive action"?
• 10:16-17 Jehu shows off his zeal for the Lord by murdering "all that remained unto Ahab in Samaria, till he had destroyed him according to the word of the Lord." Who of course we all innocent bystanders. Again, it's normal ancient war -- and wise pre-emptive measures.
• 10:19 Jehu lied to the followers of Baal so that he could trap and kill them. See again here. And:
• 10:24 Jehu warns his guards saying, "If any of the men escape, he that letteth him go, his life shall be for the life of him." And the problem is, what? Just argument by outrage.
• 10:25 Jehu, when he finishes his animal sacrifices, orders his men to "Go in, and slay them, let none come forth. And they smote them with the edge of the sword." Ditto.
• 10:30 God is greatly pleased with all of Jehu's killings, saying "because thou hast done well in executing that which is right in mine eyes, and hast done unto the house of Ahab according to all that was in mine heart [Jehu murdered them all], thy children of the fourth generation shall sit on the throne of Israel." Double ditto. As if the house of Ahab had just been minding its own business and handing out welfare checks.
• 11:1 When Athaliah "saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all of the seed royal." Yes -- still normal ancient warfare/politic. Keep the news off.
• 11:15-16 The priest has Athaliah and her followers killed. And of course they were just (ahem) innocent bystanders. How SAB can follow the above with this is a wonder to behold.
• 11:18 Destroy the religious buildings of those of other faiths and kill their ministers. More outrage. More begged assumption that all religions are equally (in)valid. No rational argument.
• 12:20-21 Joash was buried "with his fathers." But 2 Chr.24:24-25 denies this saying, "they buried him not in the sepulchres of the kings." See here.
• 13:1 When did Jehoash become king of Judah? It's another one of those copyist issues.
• 13:21 A dead body is brought to life when it accidentally touches the bones of Elisha. But elsewhere the bible says that no one will ever rise from the dead. See above.
• 13:23 Many Bible verses say that God respects no one. But this verse says that he had respect for the Israelites. See here.
• 14:3, 7 Amaziah "did that which was right in the sight of the Lord" and killed ten thousand Edomites. But in Dt.23:7 God tells the Israelites to "not abhor" the Edomites. SAB still thinks that you can't deliver a just punishment without "abhorring" people.
• 15:5 God strikes king Azariah with leprosy "unto the day of his death" for not removing the high places. Yes, and the problem is? I guess he should have let everyone worship false gods unto eternal damnation...
• 15:16 King Menahem rips up all the pregnant women in Tizzah "because they opened not to him." Does God approve of such acts? It's impossible to tell from this passage; the mass murder is simply reported without editorial comment. Wow, SAB is dumb or morally uneducated enough to NEED such comment? Then how does he know all the other acts he thinks are wrong, were?
• 15:30 "In the twentieth year of Jotham ..." But verses 32-33 say that he only reigned for a total of sixteen years. Copyist issue again -- see above link.
• 16:2 According to this verse, Ahaz was 36 years old when he completed his reign. And 18:1-2 says that he was succeeded by a 25 year old son, Hezekiah. This means that Ahaz fathered Hezakiah when he was only eleven years old! Ditto. Though I have read of fathers at age 12, which was a "coming of age" at this time.
• 17:25-26 God sent lions to devour the foreigners in Samaria because "they feared not the Lord," and even worse "they knew not the manner of the God of the land." Well that'll teach them about God's manners. Mere outrage yet again.
• 17:39 Should we fear God? See here.
• 18:1-2 Hezekiah, the son of Ahaz, began to reign when he was 25 years old. His father was 36 years old when Hezekiah took over (16:2). So Ahaz was only eleven years old when he fathered Hezekiah! See above.
• 18:27 This verse speaks of eating and drinking one's own bodily waste products. Charming. Yes. They should have ordered pizza delivery with a side of drugs to quell SAB's prudery.
• 19:35 An "angel of the Lord" kills 185,000 men while they sleep. "And when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses." I guess they all woke up and said, "Shucks, I'm dead." Still taking that KJV grammatical ambiguity seriously -- it was the people of Judah who did the beholding.
• 20:11 Isaiah, with a little help from God, makes the sun move backwards ten degrees. Now that's quite a trick. All at once, the earth stopped spinning and then reversed its direction of rotation. Or maybe the sun traveled around the earth in those days! More anti-miracle bigotry, but see here.
• 21:12 God threatens to "bring such evil upon Jerusalem and Judah, that whosoever heareth of it, both his ears shall tingle." Yes, and, what? The "evil" is the same as here.
• 22:20 God promises Josiah that he will have a peaceful death. But Josiah's death was anything but peaceful. (2 Kg.23:29-30, 2 Chr.35:23-24) See here.
• 23:7 Josiah, with God's approval, broke down the houses of the sodomites. Cult prostitutes, actually -- and:
• 23:20 Josiah, apparently with God's approval, kills "all the priests of the high places" and sacrifices them to God on their altars. Note that this is a guy who "did what was right in the eyes of the Lord" (2 Kg.22:2). Note that SAB apparently prefers that God just let everyone devolve into paganism and eternal damnation. Oh, well, the price of tolerance.
• 23:26 Even though Josiah did all that God asked of him, God still punished him and all Jerusalem for the acts of his grandfather. See here -- Josiah and his contemporaries got a break, as it happens.
• 23:29-30 Where did Josiah die? Megiddo or Jerusalem? Well, whichever it might have been, it certainly wasn't the peaceful death that God promised him in 22:20. See above plus here.
• 24:6 In Jer.36:30 we are told that Jehoiakim had no one to succeed him, but this verse says that he was succeeded by his son. See here.
• 24:8 Was Jehoiachin 18 or 8 years old when he began to reign? See here.
• 24:17 Was Zedekiah Nebuchadnezzar's uncle, as this verse says, or his brother, as is said in 2 Chr.36:10? See here.
• 25:7 In Jeremiah (34:4) God tells Zedekiah that he will die in peace and be buried with his fathers. But this verse and Jer.52:10-11 say that he died a violent death in a foreign land. See here.
• 25:8 On what day of the month was the temple burned? The seventh or the tenth day? See link on 24:7 above, down one entry.
• 25:19 This verse says there were five men in the king's presence, but Jer.52:31 says there were seven. The same and down one more.
• 25:27 Was it the 25th or the 27th day of the month? (Jer.52:31) Ditto.