The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on 2 Samuel as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

• 1:10 In this verse an Amalekite says that he killed Saul. But 1 Sam.31:4 says that Saul committed suicide, and 2 Sam.21:12 says that the Philistines killed him. Which (if any) of these stories is true? See here.
• 1:15 David tells one of his "young men" to kill the Amalekite messenger who claimed to have mercifully killed Saul at Saul's own request. Ditto.
• 1:18 "Behold, it is written in the book of Jasher." Where? I can't seem to find a copy of this book. And the problem is, what?
• 1:26 David says to Jonathan: "very pleasant has thou been unto me: thy love to me was wonderful, passing the love of woman." Hinted at here.
• 2:8-9 Some of Saul's family survived. Indeed, Ishbosheth (Saul's son) was made king and ruled for two years. Yet 1 Chr.10:6 states that all of Saul's family died with him. See link for 1:10.
• 2:14-16 Joab and Abner watch as the young men "play" a cruel game. "And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and thrust his sword in his fellow side, so they fell down together." "Play"? It's warfare! SAB would offend people in the ANE just asking where the bathroom was.
• 2:23 Abner smites Asahel "under the fifth rib." It seems that in 2 Samuel this is the preferred place to get smitten. (see also 3:27, 4:6, 20:10) It's where trained solders would be told to smite, given the vital organs in that location.
• 3:2-5 David, by this time, has at least seven wives (Michal, Ahinoam, Abigail, Maacah, Haggith, Abital, and Ehlah), and he was just getting started. Yep, he was a bad boy. Still waiting for a record of SAB's spotless perfection.
• 3:14 David says, "deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for a hundred foreskins of the Philistines." Well, he actually paid with two hundred foreskins (see 1 Sam.18:27). Yes, and the problem is, what? Is SAB scared of foreskins? Does he object to David killing the enemy in war that wants to kill him and his family?
• 3:27-29 When Joab (David's captain) kills Abner (by smiting him under the fifth rib of course See above, of course), David says that he and his kingdom are not responsible. The blame, he says, lays with Joab. So David curses Joab, his family, and their descendants forever. Let them all be plagued with venereal diseases and leprosy, starve to death, commit suicide, or lean on staves. (The Revised Standard Version translates "leaneth on a staff" as "holds a spindle," apparently meaning effeminate -- real men don't spin or weave.) Not in the ANE they didn't, or no one would be doing what was needed to help the family survive. At any rate SAB has a culture problem with Eastern invective, which is the norm there, and not our politically correct oversensitivity.
• 4:6-12 Some of David's men kill Saul's son (by smiting him under the fifth rib, of course Of course, see above for the anatomically uneducated) and bring his head to David, thinking that he'll be pleased. But he wasn't. David has the assassins killed, their hands and feet chopped off, and their bodies hung up (for decorations?) over the pool in Hebron. For public shame and as warnings to others. FYI for the culturally uninformed.
• 5:8 Whoever kills the lame and the blind will be David's "chief and captain." Talk about ripping from context. Start with verse 6: And the king and his men went to Jerusalem unto the Jebusites, the inhabitants of the land: which spake unto David, saying, Except thou take away the blind and the lame, thou shalt not come in hither: thinking, David cannot come in hither. Nevertheless David took the strong hold of Zion: the same is the city of David. And David said on that day, Whosoever getteth up to the gutter, and smiteth the Jebusites, and the lame and the blind, that are hated of David's soul, he shall be chief and captain. Wherefore they said, The blind and the lame shall not come into the house. No actual lame and blind people were involved in this; it was a figure of speech throughout.
• 5:13 "And David took him more concubines and wives." (How many? God knows I suppose, but he doesn't tell us in the Bible.) How many? Who cares? Would SAB like to list his sins for us?
• 5:14-16 The same list is given twice in 1 Chronicles (1 Chr.3:5-8, 14:4-7), but none of the lists have the same set of names. Let's see: Samuel: Shammuah, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon, Ibhar also, and Elishua, and Nepheg, and Japhia, And Elishama, and Eliada, and Eliphalet. 1 Chr. 3: Shimea, and Shobab, and Nathan, and Solomon, four, of Bathshua the daughter of Ammiel: Ibhar also, and Elishama, and Eliphelet, And Nogah, and Nepheg, and Japhia, And Elishama, and Eliada, and Eliphelet, nine. We have spelling variants and one repetition and differing orders. 1 Chr. 14: Shammua, and Shobab, Nathan, and Solomon, And Ibhar, and Elishua, and Elpalet, And Nogah, and Nepheg, and Japhia, And Elishama, and Beeliada, and Eliphalet. We have one additional spelling variation. All of this is explicable within the bounds of simple textual corruption. Who is SAB trying to fool by making a mountain out of this molehill?
• 5:19, 25 David asks God if he should kill some more Philistines. God says yes, and he'll even help. So David and God "smote the Philistines" again. Yep, shouldn't have done that, the Philistines never bothered anyone.
• 6:2-3 How long was the ark of the covenant at Abinadab's house? See here.
• 6:6-7 Uzzah tries to keep the ark from falling off the cart, and God kills him for it. I guess it was God's way of saying Thanks. God is so taken with this story that he records it twice in the Bible: here and in 1 Chr.13:9-10. But in the 1 Samuel story, God kills Uzzah at "Nachon's threshingfloor", while in 1 Chronicles it happens near the "threshingfloor of Chidon." See here.
• 6:14, 20-22 King David dances nearly naked in front of God and everybody. Michal criticizes him for it and God punishes her by having "no child unto the day of her death." Although 2 Sam.21:8 says that she had five sons. See here, and it doesn't say God punished her, it says she had no child -- because guess what, she probably never was intimate with David again!
• 7:13, 16 God says that Solomon's kingdom will last forever. It didn't of course. It was entirely destroyed about 400 years after Solomon's death, never to be rebuilt. See here.
• 8:2-4 David kills two thirds of the Moabites and makes the rest slaves. He also cripple the captured horses. That was the way war had to be done if you didn't want the enemy rising up against you later and killing you -- which they did.
• 8:4 David took 700 horsemen. Or was it 7000? SAB has trouble learning about textual criticism. See here.
• 8:6, 14 David kills and tortures thousands of people, "and the Lord preserved David withersoever he went." David tortured none (see below), and killed mostly justly in war. Meanwhile is SAB perfect?
• 8:17 Was Ahimelech the son of father of Abiathar? Grandson and son. Two different people.
• 10:18 God has more troubles with numbers. Did David kill 700 or 7000 men in chariots? And was it 40,000 horsemen or 40,000 footmen? See here.
• 11:2-5 David sees a woman (Bathsheba) bathing and likes what he sees. so he sends for her and commits adultery with her "for she was purified from her uncleanness." She conceives and bears a son (of course). Still wondering if SAB is perfect, and what his problem is with boys.
• 11:15, 17, 27 David tells Joab (his captain) to send Bathseba's husband (Uriah) to "the forefront of the hottest battle ... that he may be smitten and die." In this way, David gets another wife. Yep, he did wrong. Still wondering, is SAB perfect?
• 12:7-8 "Thus saith the Lord God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel ... and I gave thee ... thy master's wives." See here.
• 12:11-12 God is angry at David for having Uriah killed. As a punishment, he will have David's wives raped by his neighbor while everyone else watches. It turns out that the "neighbor" that God sends to do his dirty work is David's own son, Absalom (16:22). See above.
• 12:14-18 To punish David for having Uriah killed, God kills Bathsheba's baby boy. See here.
• 12:24 After Bathsheba's baby is killed by God, David comforts her by going "in unto her." She conceives and bears another son (Solomon). I guess SAB thinks tenderness in a relationship is out.
• 12:31 David saws, hacks, and burns to death all the inhabitants of several cities. Maybe this is what is meant by "the tender mercies of David" (Acts 13:34). No, he puts them to work with saws, etc. Using them for torture devices would have been wasteful and ridiculous to begin with.
• 13:1-22 Ammon (David's son) says to his half-sister Tamar, "Come lie with me, my sister." But she resists, so he rapes her and then sends her away. Tamar, knowing that she now belongs to him (since she was a virgin), expects him to marry her, but he refuses. Yep. Ammon was a jerk. And the problem is what here?
• 13:28-29 Absalom has his servants kill his brother for raping his sister. (This chapter, which includes incest, rape, murder, should be rated NC-17.) Life should be as well. What's SAB expecting, Fred Rogers to pop out and start singing songs?
• 14:27 This verse says that Absalom had three sons. Why then, a few chapters later (18:18), does Absalom say that he has no sons? See here.
• 15:16 David leaves ten of his concubines home to clean house. Um, "keep" here means guard and protect.
• 16:21-22 Absalom "went in unto his father's concubines in the sight of all Israel." This was according the God's plan as announced in 2 Sam.12:11-12. See above.
• 17:25 Who was Amasa's father? See here.
• 18:7 In another biblical exaggeration, the servants of David kill 20,000 soldiers in one day. If it is not a textual copyist error as above -- why is 20K unbelievable?
• 18:8 "The wood [forest] devoured more people that day than the sword devoured." It must have been spooky forest to have devoured more than 20,000 soliers. There were probably lots of lions and tigers and bears. (Oh my!) SAB naively mistakes spookiness for the problem of inability to move tactically in forest, by an army used to fighting in open ground.
• 18:14 Poor Absalom gets his head caught in an oak tree, and before he can get free, Joab thrusts three darts through his heart. Yep. Real war in the ANE. So what's the problem?
• 18:18 This verse says that Absalom had no sons, but a few chapters before (14:27) he is said to have three sons. See above.
• 20:3 David shows unusual restraint and "went not in unto his concubines." Instead, he imprisons them as a punishment for being raped by David's son, Absalom. "Imprison"? Punish? SAB reads that into the text. These ten would have been taken care of with the best resources available at the time, and the purpose was to prevent another coup attempt -- see link above.
• 20:10, 12 Amasa is viciously slaughtered by Joab, who "shed out his bowels to the ground ... And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway." Yep. Does SAB watch any war movies?
• 20:21-22 "And they cut off the head of Sheba ... and cast it out to Joab." Ditto. Sorry, Mr. Rogers is not here.
• 21:1 A famine is sent on David's kingdom for three years. When David asks God why, God answers: "It is for Saul, and his bloody house, because he slew the Gibeonites. "So God sent a famine to punish a kingdom for something that a former king had done. See principles here and here.
• 21:1, 8-9, 14 Does God approve of human sacrifice? According to these verses he does. See here.
• 21:6, 9 To appease God and end the famine that was caused by his predecessor (Saul), David agrees to have seven of Saul's sons killed and hung up "unto the Lord." But in other places the bible say that children are not to be punished for their father's sins. See links above.
• 21:8 How many children did Michal have? See above.
• 21:12 Who killed Saul? See above.
• 21:19 "Elhanan ... slew Goliath." (The editors of the King James Version added the words "the brother of" to avoid the obvious contradiction. This is shown by the italics in the KJV.) But 1 Sam.17:23, 50 says that David killed Golliath. See here.
• 22:8-16 The earth shakes, the foundations of heaven move, smoke comes out of God's nostrils, and fire out of his mouth. Meanwhile, SAB pedantically reads metaphors as literal. See also here.
• 22:35 "He teacheth my hands to war." Might as well learn from an expert. Like um, a colonel or a general?
• 22:41 "Thou hast also given me the necks of mine enemies." And the problem is, what? Does SAB think these were actually flower pickers?
• 24:1 God tempts David to take census, though 1 Chr.21:1 says that Satan tempted David, and Jas.1:13 says that God never tempts anyone. Why did God or Satan tempt David to take the census? And what the heck is wrong with a census anyway? See here and here.
• 24:9 How many soldiers did Israel have? This verse says that Judah and Israel had a total of 1,300,000 fighting men (1 Chr.21:5 says 1,570,000) in this battle. Of course, this is a ridiculously high number for a battle between two tribal armies in 1000 BCE. (The United States had about 1.37 million active duty soldiers in 2001.) See here and recall that in this time and place anyone who could stand upright was used as a solider.
• 24:10 David sinned in numbering the people. But 1 Kg.15:5 says that David never sinned, except for in the matter of Uriah. See here.
• 24:13 God offers David a choice of punishments for having conducted the census: 1) seven years of famine (1 Chr.21:1 says three years), 2) three months fleeing from enemies, or 3) three days of pestilence. David can't decide, so God chooses for him and sends a pestilence, killing 70,000 men (and probably around 200,000 women and children). See link above.
• 24:14 After God threatens to kill hundreds of thousands of innocent people for a census that he inspired, David says, "let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies are great?" Ditto.
• 24:16 Finally, when the angel is about to destroy Jerusalem, "the Lord repented." That's nice, but several Bible verses say that God cannot repent. And why would it be necessary for a good God to repent of the evil that he planned to do? See here plus above.
• 24:17 Even David can see the injustice of God's punishment (killing hundreds of thousands of people because David took a census). He pleads with God saying, "I have sinned ... but these sheep, what have they done?" See above.
• 24:24 David bought the threshing floor for 50 shekels of silver. But 1 Chr.21:25 says he bought it for 600 shekels of gold. See here.