The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on Numbers as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

• 1:1 When was the tabernacle set up? This verse says nothing about "setting up" the tabernacle.
• 1:23 This verse says there were 59,300 males of the tribe of Simeon. But later, in 26:14, the number is given as 22,200. Um, and what happened between these two verses? It seems there was a plague....
• 1:45-46 The Israelite population went from seventy (Ex.1:5) to several million (over 600,000 adult males) in just a few generations! See here.
• 1:51 God displays his hospitality with the admonition: "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." SAB displays his provincialism against ancient notions of purity and sacredness.
• 3:4 Two of Aaron's sons are killed by God for "offering strange fire before the Lord." Mere argument by outrage plus the above.
• 3:10 God repeats his order (see 1:51) to kill any strangers who happen to come near. SAB repeats his provincialism.
• 3:38 Once again (see 1:51 and3:10) God tells his favorite people to kill any strangers that come near. Ditto.
• 4:15, 20 Don't touch or "go in to see when the holy things are covered." God kills people who touch or look at uncovered holy things. Ditto.
• 5:1-4 God tells the people to expel from camp "every leper, every one that hath an issue, and whoever is defiled by the dead." So by God's instructions, the sick are abandoned and left to suffer and die alone. Gosh, did you see the word "permanently" in there?
• 5:11-31 The Law of Jealousies. If a man suspects his wife of being unfaithful, he reports it to the priest. The priest then makes her drink some "bitter water." If she is guilty, the water makes her thigh rot and her belly swell. If innocent, no harm done -- the woman is free and will "conceive seed." In any case, "the man shall be guiltless from iniquity, and this woman shall bear her iniquity." See here.
• 6:5 The Nazarites let their hair grow long as a sign of their total dedication to God. But according to Paul (1 Cor.11:14) it is shameful for a man to have long hair. See here.
• 9:13 If you don't keep the Passover you'll be "cut off" from your people. Yes, and what of it? Still provincialism and outrage.
• 10:29 In Exodus (Ex.3:1, 4:18, and 18:5), the father-in-law of Moses is said to be Jethro, not Hobab as is said in this verse. See here.
• 11:1 "And when the people complained, it displeased the Lord: and the Lord heard it." (He had his hearing aid on.) He then burns the complainers alive. That'll teach them. Mere outrage.
• 11:20 God promises to give them "flesh to eat," not for just a few days, but "for a whole month, until it come out of your nostrils, and it be loathsome to you." Yuck. SAB doesn't like quail or metaphors. Did he not participate in food fights at college?
• 11:31 God sends quails to feed his people until they were "two cubits [about a meter] high upon the face of the earth." Taking the "face of the earth" to be a circle with a radius of say 30 kilometers (an approximate day's journey), this would amount to 3 trillion (3x1012) liters of quails. At 2 quails per liter, this would provide a couple million quails for each of several million people. See here.
• 11:33 "And while the flesh [of the quails] was yet between their teeth, ere it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was kindled against the people, and the Lord smote the people with a very great plague. "The Bible isn't too clear about what these poor folks did to upset God so much; all it says is that they had "lusted." Which of course is never wrong.
• 12:1, 9-10 Miriam and Aaron (Moses' brother and sister) criticize Moses for marrying an Egyptian woman and thus breaking the law of God (see Ex.34:16, Dt.7:31 Kg.11:2). But God makes it clear that his rules don't apply to his favorites, and he strikes Miriam with leprosy. Notice that only Miriam is punished, though both she and Aaron complained. God just doesn't like women much, does he? See here.
• 12:3 "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth." This is a strange way to describe on of the cruelest men to have ever lived (If he ever did live, which he probably didn't). Moses, as he is described in the Bible, is anything but meek (See Num.31:14-18 for an example of his "meekness"). See here. We also ask SAB to prove that Hammurabi lived.
• 12:14 "And the Lord said unto Moses, If her father had but spit in her face, should she not be ashamed seven days?" Perhaps. But shouldn't God be ashamed for including such vulgarity in the Bible? No. Why? See here. Shouldn't SAB be ashamed of his provinicialism?
• 13:33 "And there we saw the giants ... And we were in our own sight as grasshopper, and so we were in their sight." According to this description, then, the giants must have been about 300 feet tall. These are the same giants (the Nephilium) that resulted when the "sons of God" mated with "the daughters of men in Gen.6:4. Of course these superhuman god-men should have been destroyed in the flood. So what are they doing still alive? It does not seem to occur to SAB that the description is, um hyperbole.
• 14:12, 29, 32-37 More plagues and pestilence sent by God. God repeats one of his favorite promises: "your carcasses shall fall in this wilderness." SAB repeats his favorite argument by outrage.
• 14:14 The Israelites saw God "face to face," contrary to many Bible verses that say that no one has ever seen God. See here.
• 14:18 God punishes the children for the failings of their great-great grandfathers. Bible-believers call this justice. But this concept is denied in Dt.24:16 and Ezek.18:20. See here.
• 15:3, 13-14, 24 God gives more instructions for the ritualistic killing of animals. The smell of burning flesh is "a sweet savour unto the Lord." SAB obviously holds his nose when passing the BBQ joint.
• 15:27-30 "If any soul sin through ignorance ..." but how can someone sin through ignorance? Don't you have to know that an action is wrong for it to be sinful? Nope, not if the modern English word is not used. Oh well, if you do happen to sin through ignorance, you can be forgiven by God if you kill some animals. Of course Paul disagrees in Heb.10:4, 11. See here.
• 15:32-36: The Israelites find a man picking up sticks on the sabbath. God commands them to kill him by throwing rocks at him. Mere outrage.
• 15:38-39 Immediately after ordering the execution of the sabbath breaker, God gets down to some more important business -- like instructing the people on how to make fringes on their garments. SAB the provinicialist shows his appreciation of ancient concern for symbolism. He also thinks this is a strict chronology. He also, contrary to Ec.11:9, counsels us to refrain from listening to our own hearts. Ecclesiastes? See here.
• 16:20-49 Because of a dispute between Korah and Moses, God has the ground open up and swallow Korah and his family. And then, just for the hell of it, God has a fire burn 250 men (friends of Korah?) to death. Followers of Korah. Mere outrage in any event.
• 16:41-50 After God killed Korah, his family, and 250 innocent bystanders, Oh. SAB knew they were just playing tiddlywinks. the people complained saying, "ye have killed the people of the Lord." So God, who doesn't take kindly to criticism, sends a plague on the people. And "they that died in the plague were 14,700." Outrage and not rational argument yet again.
• 17:8 Aaron is getting better at his magic tricks. He has rod bud, bloom, and yield almonds. Pointless smart remark by SAB.
• 17:12-13 God threatens to kill those who murmur. To which the people reply, "Behold, we die, we perish, we all perish .... Shall we be consumed with dying?" Outrage again.
• 18:3 According to this verse, it is wise to stay away from holy things and places -- like churches. God will kill you if you get too close. See above.
• 18:6-8 Must sacrifices be made by Levites near the tabernacle? SAB does not recognize the 1 Samuel cite as a pre-emptive memorial offering -- it is not a Levitical sacrifice.
• 18:7 God shows us how to make new friends by saying : "The stranger that cometh nigh shall be put to death." See above.
• 18:17-19 God describes once again the procedure for ritualistic animal sacrifices. such rituals must be extremely important to God, since he makes their performance a "statute" and "covenant" forever. Why, then don't Bible-believers perform these sacrifices anymore? See here.
• 18:22, 32 Don't get near holy things or "pollute" them. If you do, God will kill you. See above.
• 19:1-22 The purification of the unclean. These absurd rituals, cruel sacrifices, and unjust punishments are vitally important to God. He even insists that they are to be "a perpetual statute" to all humankind. See above. How does SAB like that pain-free soyburger?
• 19:5 God give instructions for burning the "dung" of sacrificial animals. This is something that everyone needs to know about (that's why it's in the Bible!). It may surprise SAB to know that these instructions were not intended to be read by every Tom, Dick and Harry.
• 19:13 Bad news for undertakers: Whoever touches a dead body shall be "cut off from Israel." Bad news for SAB: this has to do with ancient ritual purity (see above).
• 20:11 Moses hits a rock with his rod and Presto! -- water comes out. Base bias against the miraculous. Don't expect arguments.
• 20:27-28 These verses say that Aaron died on Mount Hor, but Dt.10:6 says he died at Mosera. See section "Mountain Men" here.
• 21:3 "And the Lord hearkened to the voice of Israel, and delivered up the Canaanites; and they utterly destroyed them and their cities." This verse demonstrates the power of prayer: If you ask God, he will destroy entire cities for you. Mere outrage. See link below, 21:34-5.
• 21:6 God sends "fiery serpents" to bite his chosen people, and many of them die. Ditto.
• 21:8 To save the people from God's snakes, Moses makes a graven image in the form of a snake (breaking the second commandment) and puts it on a pole. Those who look at Moses' magic snake to not die -- even if they were previously bit by God's snakes. See here.
• 21:34-35 God delivers the Amorites into Moses' hands. (You're in God hands with Moses.) So Moses does the usual thing, killing everyone "until their was none left alive." Mere outrage, and see here.
• 22:9 God asks Balaam the non-rhetorical question, "What men are these with thee?" You'd think God would already know, wouldn't you? It is rhetorical, in line with ANE practice.
• 22:20-22 God says to Balaam, "If men come to call thee, rise up, and go with them." Men come, and Balaam goes with them, just as God had commanded." And God's anger was kindled because he went" -- but he was just following God's instructions! See here.
• 22:28-30 Balaam has a nice little chat with his ass. SAB creates an original pointless comment for cheap jollies.
• 23:15-16 God meets Balaam and "put a word in his mouth." SAB provincializes against metaphor.
• 23:19 This verse says that God does not repent, but other verses plainly say that he does. See here.
• 23:22 God has "the strength of a unicorn." Oh heck, I bet he's even stronger than a unicorn. It's an aurochs; otherwise pointless remark by SAB.
• 23:24 God's people will kill like a lion and then "drink the blood of the slain." SAB again doesn't like ancient metaphors of war, die to bloodophobia.
• 24:7 Balaam says "his king shall be higher than Agag." But Balaam couldn't have known about Agag since Agag didn't live until the time of King Saul. (See 1Sam.15:33 where Samuel hacks king Agag into pieces.) I guess SAB never heard of dynastic names. King George I and King George III are the same person.
• 24:8 God, who is as strong as a unicorn, will eat up the nations, break their bones, and then pierce them through with his arrows. What a guy! Outrage, and see above.
• 25:1-5 After the people "commit whoredom with the daughters of Moab," Moses has them all killed. Then God tells Moses to hang their dead bodies up in front of him; God says that this will satisfy him. This must be an example of God's "plenteous mercy" that is mentioned in Ps.103:8. Mere outrage and the same wrong definition of mercy.
• 25:6-9 While God is talking to Moses about the heads, one of the Israelite men brings home a foreign woman. When "Phinehas (Aaron's grandson) sees them he throws a spear "through the man .. and the woman through her belly." (Remember that Moses himself married a foreign woman (Ex.12:1). This act pleases God so much that "the plague was stayed from the children of Israel." But not before 24,000 (1 Cor.10:8 says 23,000) had died. See here on the numbers, otherwise outrage, and that the woman was foreign is not the issue -- it is that she was pagan.
• 25:10-13 Because of Phinehas' javelin throw, God gave him his covenant of the everlasting priesthood. so this was the valiant deed that established the priesthood! It figures. I.e., outrage.
• 25:16 God tells Moses how to care for his neighbors by saying: "Vex the Midianites, and smite them." See here.
• 26:10 The ground swallows Korah and his companions and a fire consumes 250 men. Still outrage.
• 26:14 This verse says there were 22,200 in the tribe of Simeon; Num:1:23 says there were 59,300. See above.
• 26:38-39 There are four lists of Benjamin's sons in the Bible, and none of them agree. This one lists five (as does 1 Chr.8:1-2), Gen.46:21 lists ten, and 1 Chr.7:6 lists three. Only one name (Bela) is found in all four lists. See 1 Chronicles list.
• 26:40 In Genesis (46:21), Naaman and Ard are the sons of Benjamin, but in this verse they are his grandsons The word refers to any male descendants.
• 26:61 "And Nadab and Abihu died when they offered strange fire before the Lord." When you go camping avoid making any unusual fires. Worthless smart remark by SAB.
• 27:8 If a man dies and has no son, then his inheritance goes to his daughter. But if he has a son, then the daughter gets nothing. Also no mention is made of wives, sisters, or aunts. Ancient family sense. The daughter would be married into another family and the other female relatives would as well.
• 28-29: In these chapters, God provides ridiculously detailed instructions for the ritualistic sacrifice of animals. The burning of their dead bodies smells great to God. Eleven times in these two chapters God says that they are to him a "sweet savour." SAB continues to be a provincialist and hopefully holds his nose passing McDonald's.
• 29:5 This verse says that we can atone for our sins if we offer God burnt offerings. But this is denied in Heb.10:4, 11. See above.
• 30:2 In Mt.5:34,37 and Jas.5:12 oaths are strictly forbidden. But in this verse, God gives instructions for making oaths, and says that such oaths are binding. See here.
• 30:3-16 If men make vows, then God expects them to keep them. But a woman cannot make a vow, unless it is "allowed" by her husband or father. If it is "allowed," then she must keep it -- be even so, she is not responsible (her husband or father is). Gee, isn't it nice to have heavy responsibilities? SAB doesn't open doors for women, either. He's rude.
• 31:1-54 Under God's direction, Moses' army defeats the Midianites. They kill all the adult males, but take the women and children captive. When Moses learns that they left some live, he angrily says: "Have you saved all the women alive? Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman that hath known man by lying with him. But all the women children, that have not known a man by lying with him, keep alive for yourselves." So they went back and did as Moses (and presumably God) instructed, killing everyone except for the virgins. In this way they got 32,000 virgins -- Wow! [Even God gets some of the booty -- including the virgins. (31:28-29)] See 25:16 link for a less simplistic analysis.
• 31:25-29 God tells Moses to make an offering of "man and beast" as a "heave offering of the Lord." Um, yeah, a "tribute". What about it?
• 32:13-14 In Psalms (30:5) it says that God's anger lasts "but a moment," but these verses say that "the fierce anger of the Lord" lasted for forty years. Psalms is a piece of proverbial or poetic lit, not absolutes.
• 33:4 God killed all the Egyptian firstborn and punished their gods. Mere outrage.
• 33:38 This verse says that Aaron died on Mount Hor, but Dt.10:6 says he died at Mosera.
• 33:50-52 God tells Moses to exterminate the residents of Canaan and destroy all of their religious symbols and possessions. See link above.
• 35:4-5 How wide were the suburbs? One thousand cubits as 35:4 says or two thousand cubits as 35:5 says? Copyist error.
• 35:19, 21 "The revenger of blood" must murder the murderer just as soon as he sees him. And the problem is, what? There were no official police forces in this time.
• 35:33 When a murder is committed the blood pollutes the land. The only way to cleanse it is to spill more blood by killing the killer. Mere bloodophobia by SAB.