The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on Revelation

as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

Mere argument by outrage is designated with OUTR. SAB's inability to grasp Jewish apocalyptic as a genre is designated with APOC.

1:1, 3 John believes "the time is at hand," and that the things that he writes about in Revelation will "shortly come to pass." And it did. See here.
1:5 Jesus "washed us ... with his own blood." And the problem is, what, other than SAB's personal squeamishness?
1:7 This verse claims that "every eye shall see him," including those who executed him. But millions have lived and died without ever seeing him coming "with clouds." This could only happen on a flat earth. The verse further states that everyone on earth will "wail because of him [Jesus]. See link above plus note that the "every eye" is limited to the land -- which is Judaea. We pass on the JW issue.
1:13-16 Jesus has white hair, eyes of fire, feet of brass, and has a sword sticking out of his mouth. APOC.
1:16 Jesus holds seven stars in his hand. Of course, it is possible that this is to be taken metaphorically. Perhaps. But it is clear from other verses (6:13, 8:10, 12:4) that John thought of stars as being small, perhaps even small enough for Jesus to hold in his hand. APOC.
1:17 Jesus is the first and the last. But is he God? See here.
1:18 Jesus has "the keys of hell and death." APOC.
2:9 False Jews are members of "the synagogue of Satan." And the problem is, what?
2:13 Jesus know "even where Satan's seat is." Wow! Wow! What's the problem? APOC.
2:16 Repent -- or else Jesus will fight you with the sword that sticks out of his mouth. (Like the limbless knight in Monty Python's "Holy Grail.") APOC. We would expect a provincialist like SAB to use Monthy Python instead of relevant scholarship.
2:18 John repeats his description of Jesus, saying he has eyes of fire and feet of brass. APOC.
2:20 Jezebel (whom God had thrown off a wall, trampled by horses, and eaten by dogs [2 Kg.9:33-37]) is further reviled by John, saying "that woman Jezebel" taught and seduced God's "servants to commit fornication." OUTR.
2:22 Jesus will "cast her [Jezebel] into a bed, and them that commit adultery with her." OUTR.
2:23 Jesus says he will kill the children of Jezebel. (I suppose that includes all nonchristian children.) OUTR.
2:23 Jesus says he "will give unto every one of you according to your works," which is, of course, contrary to the teaching of Paul (Rom.4:5-6, Gal.2:16, Eph.2:8-9). Not really. See here.
3:1 God has seven spirits. (Counting the Holy Spirit?) No, it clearly says that these are the seven churches.
2:26-27 Those who obey God/Jesus until the end will rule everyone else with an iron rod. They'll even get to smash the others into smithereens. OUTR.
3:9 God will make "the synagogue of Satan [that would be the Jews] ... come and worship before thy feet." (Whose feet? Well, the feet of Christians, of course!) OUTR.
3:11 John has Jesus lie by saying: "Behold, I come quickly." See here.
3:18 God recommends that you wear "white raiment" so that "the shame of thy nakedness do not appear." And, the problem is what?
4:7-8 John sees four beasts, each with six wings and "full of eyes." APOC.
5:5 Is Jesus a lamb (Jn.1:36) or a lion? Is Auburn the Tigers or the War Eagles? It's not possible to be one or the other as the need arises? Hello?
5:6 John sees a dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes. He explains that the seven eyes "are the seven spirits of God." See above.
5:14 "And the four beasts said, Amen." APOC.
6:4 God gave power to someone sitting on a red horse "to take from the earth ... that they should kill one another." OUTR.
6:8 God gives Death and Hell the task of indiscriminately killing one quarter of the earth's human population with the sword, starvation, and "with the beasts of the earth." OUTR.
6:10-11 God's favorites just can't wait until everyone else is slaughtered. OUTR. If SAB lived in terror in the ancient world he might be more tolerant.
6:13 "And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth...." To John, the stars are just little lights a few miles away that can easily fall to the earth. APOC.
7:1 John "saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth." Well, I guess that settles it: the earth is flat and square-shaped, or at least quadrilateral in shape. See here.
7:3 God tells his murderous angels to "hurt not the earth, neither the sea, nor the trees, till we have sealed the servants of your God on their foreheads." This verse is one that Christians like to use to show God's loving concern for the environment. But the previous verse (7:2) makes it clear that it was their God-given job to "hurt the earth and the sea" just as soon as they finished their forehead marking job. OUTR.
7:4 144,000 Jews will be going to heaven; everyone else is going to hell. That's a JW fancy. We pass.
7:6 Genesis 49 lists the twelve tribes of Israel with the verse number in parenthesis. Reuben (3) Simeon and Levi (5) Judah (8) Zebulun (13) Issachar (14) Dan (16) Gad (19) Asher (20) Naphtali (21) Joseph (22) Benjamin (27). Revelation adds Manasses and omits Dan. It's polemical. Dan was regarded as persona non grata because of their idolatry, and their place was given to another.
7:9 JW issue. We pass.
7:14 Those that survive the great tribulation will get to wash their clothes in the blood of the lamb. Gee, that sounds like fun. But how would washing robes in blood make them white? APOC, and childish "bloodophobia" by SAB.
8:7-13 God sends his angels to destroy a third part of all the trees, grass, sea creature, mountains, sun, moon, starts, and water. Hey, that sounds like a good plan. OUTR. But it was fulfilled when Rome destroyed Judea, so blame them.
8:10 "And there fell a great star from heaven, burning as it were a lamp, and it fell upon the third part of the rivers, and upon the fountains of waters." APOC.
In the bible, stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. APOC.
9:4-6 The angels are instructed not to "hurt the grass [how could they? He already had all the grass killed in 8:7] ... but only those men which have not the seal of God on their foreheads." God tells his angels not to kill them, but rather torment them with scorpions for five months. Those tormented will want to die, but God won't let them. You see, he is pro-life. OUTR. But again, blame the Romans -- see here.
9:7-10 God makes some horse-like locusts with human heads, women's hair, lion's teeth, and scorpion's tails. They sting people and hurt them for five months. APOC.
9:15-19 Four angels, with an army of 200 million, killed a third of the earth's population. OUTR. Blame the Romans.
10:5-6 An angel swears. Yet swearing is condemned in Matthew (5:34-7) and James (5:12). See here.
10:10 An angel tells John to eat a book. He does, and it tastes good, but it makes his belly bitter. APOC.
11:4-5 Anyone that messes with God's two olive trees and two candlesticks will be burned to death by fire that comes out of the sticks and trees' mouths. OUTR and APOC.
11:6 God's magic candlesticks and olive trees have special powers. They can shut up heaven so that it cannot rain (There are these little windows that open up whenever it rains.), turn rivers of water into blood (like the Egyptian magicians [Ex.7:22]), and to smite the earth with various plagues "as often as they will." Ditto.
11:7 After the candlesticks and olive trees are done talking, burning people to death with the fire that comes out of their mouths, shutting up heaven to prevent it from raining, turning rivers into blood, and killing people with plagues whenever they get the urge, they are killed in a war started by a beast that came up out of a bottomless pit. Ditto.
11:8-10 After the war between the candlesticks and olive trees on the one hand and the beast that crawled out of the pit on the other, there will be dead bodies rotting, unburied everywhere. And those that are not killed by the candlesticks, trees, or beast will "rejoice over them [the dead bodies] and make merry, and shall send gifts to one another." A good time will be had by all. Ditto. as if these people were doing nothing but putting together jigsaw puzzles when God judged them.
11:13 God will send an earthquake that will kill 7000 people. Ditto.
12:4 The dragon's tail smacks down to earth one third of the stars. Wow, that's quite a swipe! But to the author of Revelations, the stars are just little lights that can fall to the ground from the sky. APOC. And there's no S in Revelation.
12:6, 14 JW issue. We pass.
12:7 "And there was a war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon." So even in heaven, one can't be safe from war or dragons. APOC. And who said the sky was safe from them?
12:12 The devil, after he is expelled from heaven, is sent down to earth to wreak havoc on its inhabitants. Mere bias against the supernatural.
13:16-18 John says that wisdom is knowing that the mark of the beast is 666. Everyone will be marked on their right hand or their forehead with this number. (And I thought it was going to be my social security number!) Nope. It was Nero. See link above.
14:3-4 JW issue. We pass.
14:7 Should we fear God? See here.
14:8 Drinking the wine of fornication. APOC.
14:10-11 Those who receive the mark of the beast will "drink of the wine of the wrath of God ... and shall be tormented with fire and brimstone ... and the smoke of their torment ascendeth up for ever and ever." OUTR.
14:19 "The great winepress of the wrath of God ... was trodden ... and the blood cam out of the winepress, even unto the horses bridles." OUTR.
15:1 Seven angels with seven plagues are filled with the wrath of God. OUTR.
15:4 This verse says that only God is holy. But whoever wrote Ps.86:2 said he too was holy. SAB still doesn't get hyperbolic praise.
16:1-21 The seven vials of wrath: 1) sores, 2) sea turned to blood, 3) rivers turned to blood, 4) people scorched with fire, 5) people gnaw their tongues in pain, 6) Euphrates dries up, 7) thunder, lightening, earthquake, and hail. OUTR.
16:6 God gave the saints and prophets blood to drink. OUTR and APOC.
16:13 John sees three frog-like unclean spirits come out of the mouths of the dragon, beast, and false prophet (Joseph Smith, Charles Taze Russell, Mary Baker Eddy, Pat Robertson?). Satan, Nero, Jewish leaders of the period. APOC.
16:15 "Blessed is he that ... keepeth his garments, lest he walk naked, and they see his shame." And the problem, other than that SAB thinks the word "naked" is funny, is what?
17:1-16 The great harlot is described as being "full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication." She has a rather large and prominent sign on her forehead, she will get drunken with the blood of saints and martyrs, she will be made "desolate and naked," and her flesh will be eaten and burned with fire. APOC and OUTR.
17:8 JW issue, we pass.
18:3 All nations "have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication" and kings has "waxed rich through ... her delicacies." APOC.
18:8 To punish her God will send plagues and famine, and "she will be utterly burned with fire." OUTR.
18:9 Kings have committed fornication and "lived deliciously with her." Then they see "the smoke of her burning." OUTR.
19:2 The "great whore" corrupted the earth with her fornication. APOC.
19:11 Jesus makes war. OUTR.
19:13-15 Jesus, whose clothes are dipped in blood, has a sharp sword sticking out of his mouth. Thus attired, he treads the winepress of the wrath of God. OUTR.
19:17-18 An angel calls all the fowls to feast upon dead human bodies, or as the angel calls it "the supper of the great God." OUTR.
19:20-21 The beast and the false prophet are cast alive into a lake of fire. The rest were killed with the sword of Jesus. "And all the fowls were filled with their flesh." OUTR.
20:7-8 When the thousand years are over, God will send Satan to deceive us all. OUTR.
20:9-10 God will send fire from heaven to devour people. And the devil will be tormented "day and night for ever and ever." OUTR.
20:12 Contrary to this verse, the Old Testament says that there is no afterlife. See here and here.
20:12 This verse says that we will be judged by our works, but Paul (Rom.4:5-6, Gal.2:16, Eph.2:8-9) disagrees. See here.
20:15 Whoever isn't found listed in the book of life will be cast into the lake of fire. OUTR.
21:1 JW issue, we pass.
"And there was no more sea." For an old sailor like me, this is one of the saddest verses in the bible. Oh well. He doesn't want Paradise. But it probably only means the Dead Sea.
21:8 All liars, as well as those who are fearful or unbelieving will be cast into "the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." OUTR.
22:7, 12, 20 John quotes Jesus (1900 years ago) as saying he will come "quickly." See above.
22:13 Jesus is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last. But is he God? See here.
22:15 John refers to homosexuals as "dogs" and condemns them to hell. OUTR.
22:16 This verse says Jesus was the "offspring of David." but this is denied in Matthew (1:18, 22:41-45) and Luke (1:34). How? SAB does not explain. Maybe he means that which is refuted here. Notice also that this verse refers to Jesus as the "bright and morning star", as is Lucifer in Is.14:12. So is Jesus Lucifer? No. Is. 14:12 isn't Lucifer. "Bright and morning star" was a generic title for rulers.
22:18-19 Anyone who adds to the words in Revelation (or to the rest of the Bible) will be struck with plagues, and anyone that tries to remove anything from it will have his name removed from the book of life. OUTR.