The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on Zechariah and Malachi

as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

Zechariah

1:1 According to this verse, Zechariah was Iddo's grandson. But Ezra (5:1, 6:14) says he was the son of Iddo. "Son" here is word that can mean "son", "grandson" or any male descendant.

1:8 God's horseman patrols the earth on red colored horses. SAB doesn't appreciate apocalyptic literature full of metaphors.

1:9 Beginning with this verse, Zechariah is "Touched By An Angel" for much of the first few chapters. Pointless hip culture reference by SAB.

2:9 God plans to get revenge on those that plundered Jerusalem by having their slaves rebel. Mere argument by outrage.

2:13 Quiet everyone! God's trying to sleep! Now you've done it. He's awake. Now you've done it, failed to note that the word used just means "roused to activity".

3:2 So, God says, "God rebuke thee, O Satan?" Don't you hate it when people refer to themselves in the third person? No, but then again we are not pedantic provincialists who condemn the literary practices of others.

4:10 God has eyes that "run to and fro through the whole earth." Yes, and what's the problem with this metaphor for omniscience?

5:1-5 Zechariah sees a 30 foot flying scroll that burns down the houses of thieves and liars. Still having a problem with outrage and appreciating apocalyptic metaphor. Maybe SAB needs to go to see some performance art.

7:9-10 Good advice: "Execute true judgment, and shew mercy and compassions every man to his brother: And oppress not the widow, nor the fatherless, the stranger, nor the poor; and let none of you imagine evil against his brother in your heart." He likes it.

8:2 God gets jealous with great jealousy and fury. But God's not supposed to get furious (See Is.27:4) See here.

8:10 God "set all men one against his neighbor." Mere outrage.

8:16-17 More good advice from the Good Lord: "These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath." He likes it.

9:4 God says he will strip and burn the rich and wise land of Hadrach because he prefers Jerusalem. Looking at the verse and asking where the "preference" part is stated.

9:9 The gospels (especially Mt.21:4-5 and Jn.12:14-15) claim that Jesus fulfils the prophecy of Zech.9:9. But the next few verses (9:10-13) show that the person referred to in this verse is a military king that would rule "from sea to sea". Since Jesus had neither an army or a kingdom, he could not have fulfilled this prophecy. Doesn't he? What's the Church, chopped liver?

9:13 The Jews never conquered the Greeks. It doesn't say they will, it just says they will be against them, which did happen.

10:8 God says that he'll hiss for them. SAB once again plays the provinicalist over metaphor and ancient communication customs.

10:11 The river of Egypt (identified as the Nile in NIV, NASB, and RSV) shall dry up. This has never occurred. SAB still needs a lesson in ancient war trash talk.

11:6-7 God will mercilessly "feed the flock of slaughter" by making every one kill his neighbor. Outrage yet again.

11:9 God wants everyone to eat "the flesh of another." Ditto, and the word "wants" is conspicuous by its absence.

11:12-13 Matthew (27:9) quotes this verse, but incorrectly attributes it to Jeremiah. See here and here.

11:17 God wants this shepherd, whom he himself raised, to be hacked up and blinded. Still looking for a "wants" in the text.

12:4 God will open his eyes and smite "every rider with madness ... and every horse ... with blindness." To defend from an invader. Nah, just let 'em take over.

13:2 God plans to expel the prophets and unclean spirits. Sounds like a good plan to me. It is. Next question deserving no further comment?

13:3 A prophet must be killed by his own parents by "thrusting him through when he prophesieth." One that speaks lies and leads people astray. Of course SAB advocates letting spies go free.

14:2 God will see to it that Jerusalem "shall be taken ... and the women ravished." Still looking for such a statement of purpose. Looks more like a prediction.

14:3-4 God will "go forth and fight" with "his feet" on the mount of Olives. And the problem, other than metaphor impairment, is what?

14:12 God will smite the people with plagues that will cause their flesh, eyes, and tongues to rot away. More outrage.

14:13 God will make everyone fight and kill his neighbor. Ditto.

14:15 God sends his plagues on animals too. Ditto -- actually, beasts if burden used in war. SAB advocates not killing horses, etc in war.

14:16 In his never-ending quest to satisfy his ego's thirst, God decrees that anyone who survives all these plagues and slaughters must worship God. And after all of that, who wouldn't? Ah, it is "ego" to wish for someone to pay attention to you, if you are the source of eternal life. I do hope God is that "egotistical" and not "humble" like Michael Martin's hypothetical humble pilot who refuses to take the controls of a crashing plane. Outrage otherwise.

14:18 God will "smite the heathen" with a plague. Ditto.

Malachi

1:1 The book of Malachi is anonymous; Malachi is just a transliteration of the Hebrew words for "my messenger." Gee, that can't be a name? He may be right, but it doesn't matter.
1:2 "Wherein hast thou loved us?" Malachi was addressing the skeptics of his day who questioned God's love for them. Malachi explains that God must love them since he hated Esau and will be angry with the Edomites forever (1:3-4). Another SAB exegetical shebang we want explained.
1:3 God, for some strange reason, "hated Esau." For some strange reason, SAB doesn't know the past history of Edom and Israel.
1:4 God hates the Edomites, and his hatred will last forever. No cognizance of ancient hyperbole or the meaning of hate.
1:8, 13-14 God continues to demand cruel animal sacrifices. And not just any animals will do. He is insulted when blind, lame, or sick animals are killed for him. Pass SAB some of that diseased hamburger, he doesn't mind.
1:12 The priests rightly object to the biblical God's demand for sacrifices, by saying the "table of the LORD is polluted; and the fruit thereof, even his meat, is contemptible." Where does it say this was a response to the demand for sacrifice? It doesn't. It's excuses that were used for neglecting duties.
2:2 Give glory to God or he will curse you. Mere outrage.
2:3 Listen to the pure word of God: "Behold, I will corrupt your seed, and spread dung upon your faces." See here as a cure for provincialism.
2:15 "Let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth." He likes it.
2:17 God gets tired of our whining. A quite ironic objection.
3:1, 4:1, 5 The gospel of Mark claims that John the Baptist fulfilled the prophecy given in Malachi (3:1, 4:1, 5). But the Malachi prophecy says that God will send Elijah before "the great and dreadful day of the LORD" in which the world will be consumed by fire. Yet John the Baptist flatly denied that he was Elijah (Elias) in John 1:21 and the earth was not destroyed after John's appearance. See here.
3:6 "For I am the Lord, I change not." Yet many times according to the Bible God changed his mind. See here.
3:8 God says we're not giving him his proper cut. But does money matter to God? And don't forget, "For the love of money is the root of all evil." 1 Timothy 6:10. The money doesn't go to God and is not for love of it, but to feed the priests, the poor, and others supported by the Temple apparatus.
3:9 God curses the Israelites for "robbing" him by not paying the proper amount of money in tithes. See above.
3:15 This verse talks about "they that tempt God." Yet according to James 1:3 God cannot be tempted. See here.
4:1 In a preview of the Christian hell, God plans to burn those that he considers wicked. Mere outrage.
4:3 God wants the good folks to "tread down the wicked." Ditto.
4:6 The Old Testament ends fittingly with these ten words: "Lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." But he probably doesn't mean it since he said he'd never do it again in Gen.8:21. Different Hebrew words for "land" and no "curse" mentioned in Genesis.