The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on Ezekiel

as analyzed by Sheila Rangslinger

1:4 Ezekiel experiences what some say is the first recorded UFO sighting. SAB has been reading too much Von Daniken and needs comedy lessons.

1:5-10 Ezekiel sees creatures that have four faces (human, lion, ox, and eagle), four wings, and straight feet with calf's soles. Well, maybe he'll feel better in the morning. Maybe SAB the bigot could stand to look at carvings from ANE cultures with the same sort of pictures. I guess they were all drunk.

1:27 Ezekiel sees God's loins. It means "waist" in modern parlance, and for the general principles of seeing God see here.

2:9 - 3.3 God tells Ezekiel to eat a book and to "fill his bowels" with it. He does, and finds it to be as sweet as honey. Yes, and the problem, other than SAB's lack of tolerance for ancient genres of apocalypse, is what?

3:20 If a good person does something wrong after God "lays a stumbling block before him," then God will kill him. "He shall die in his sin" and whatever good he has done will be forgotten.

3:24-26 God tells Ezekiel to be bound by ropes and then he makes Ezekiel's tongue stick to the roof of his mouth. How this is supposed to help spread the word of God is anyone's guess. SAB the bigot doesn't get about ancient Semitic performance art".

4:4-9 God makes Ezekiel lay on his right side for 390 days, and then on his left side for another 40 days. "And thou shalt not turn thee from one side to another, till thou hast ended the days." I'll bet he had some killer bed sores after that! None as sore as SAB's brain lesions. See just above for why Zeke did this.

4:9 My vegan son swears by "Ezekiel 4:9" bread. It's supposed to be made according to the recipe given in this verse and is said to be a complete meal that satisfies all nutritional requirements. I guess that's how Ezekiel managed to survive 390 days lying on his side and eating only this bread. It seems like pretty darned good bread to me, too, but I can't wait until they start making bread using the procedure described in Ezekiel 4:12. A nice, pointless comment about SAB's personal life.

4:12 God tells Ezekiel to eat barley cakes that are made with "the dung that cometh out of man." (Yum!) See here.

4:15 God trades "cow's dung for man's dung" and then he tells Ezekiel to make bread out of the cow's dung. Ditto.

4:16-17 God punishes everyone in Israel -- including children -- by causing a drought and famine. Argument by outrage.

5:1-3 God tells Ezekiel to shave his head and beard, divide the cut hair into thirds, burn one portion, smite the second portion about with a knife, and scatter the third in the wind. More performance art as above that SAB bigotedly doesn't get.

5:10 God will cause the fathers to eat their sons and the sons to eat their fathers. See here.

5:11-17 God says that he will mercilessly slaughter everyone by killing one third with plagues, one third with famines, and one third with wars. If any somehow survive, he'll send "evil beasts" to devour them. Finally, after he's done killing, he "will be comforted." Outrage again. As an aside, no different than "trash talk" you find in secular war sources of the period. SAB is a weenie who would never survive in the ANE as he;d offend someone just asking where the restroom was.

6:4-5 God plans to decorate the land with human bones and dead bodies. Ditto. Of course all these people were just playing tiddlywinks when God judged them unfairly for it...

6:4-9 God is jealous of people's attention on idols, so he says these idols and altars will be destroyed and the people will pay for their "abominations." More argument by outrage.

6:7-14 God makes his presence known by killing people with famine, disease, and war. Ditto. See my point about the mule below.

7:2 To Ezekiel the earth is flat and has four corners. See here.

7:3-9 God repeats his plan to pour out his fury on everyone, promising again to have pity on no one. By so doing he says that "ye shall know that I am the Lord that smiteth." Indeed, who would behave so viciously? Only the merciful God. Only the farmer to his mule. See below.

7:13-28 God says plague and famine will grip the city while war rages outside. And anyone who tries to escape will live a shameful life and be robbed blind by people sent from God. Then, a wicked nation will invade, taking their homes, desecrating the temples and humbling the leaders. No matter what, they're screwed. And of course they were just innocently trimming their nails before all of this happened...

8:2 Ezekiel gets to see God's loins again. (See 1:27 for the first time.) See above indeed.

8:18 God promises again to slaughter everyone. He says that he will ignore them when they plead with him for mercy. Outrage again. As an aside a plea for "mercy" is not a plea to withhold punishment exactly -- see here. It's a demand for "rights" (that these people have actually shown they do not deserve).

9:4-10 God sends a "man clothed with linen" to mark the foreheads of the men who will be saved. Apparently only men are considered good enough to keep, the others (unmarked men, "maids", little children, and women) are to be slaughtered. Actually the word here can mean "man" in a generic sense. God says he'll "fill the courts with the slain" and will have pity on no one. Outrage -- again. See link above.

10:12 Ezekiel sees bodies, backs, hands, wings, and wheels that were "full of eyes round about." Just like those Babylonian carvings, eh? Ancients were just weirdos. SAB is a normal guy. What's he think of the way KISS dresses, by the way?

11:10-12: God says that when you fall by the sword, then you'll know that he is the Lord. Riddle: Why did the farmer hit the mule with a 2 by 4?

12:15-16, 20 When God kills everyone in the city, then you'll know that he is the Lord. (Who else would be so cruel?) A farmer with a mule. See below.

12:23-24 God says, "The days are at hand, and the effect of every vision." So the days are near when all of the visions will come to pass? Hasn't happened yet. There's much left unfulfilled. Then, in the next verse, another falsehood: "For there shall be no more any vain vision nor flattering divination within the house of Israel." As for "vain visions," the Bible is loaded with them, before and after Ezekiel's time. That was sure a truckload of specificity. We'll look elsewhere for those charming specifics from SAB.

13:14-15 God gets mad at a wall and says, "Thus will I accomplish my wrath upon the wall," and people will be destroyed with it. The wall is a figure of speech for the barrier of disbelief. Hello?

13:18-21 God likes neither woman nor pillows. He says, "Woe to the woman that sew pillows ... Behold, I am against your pillows." Um, hello? These were reflective of pagan customs of worship and have zero to do with women or pillows per se. More contextual ignorance from SAB.

14:6-8 God again promises to destroy those that dare worship something or someone other than him. And to SAB, since all religions are equally false, that is a problem.

14:8-9 God deceives some of his prophets and then kills them for believing his lies. See here. It's not as if they didn't know better.

14:8, 13, 15, 17, 19, 21 When really bad things happen (like you get eaten by wild beasts, get killed in war, get sick and die, etc.), then you'll know that it was God that did it to you. Why did that farmer hit that mule? Tune in and see.

15:6-7 God plans to burn the inhabitants of Jerusalem. When he does so then everyone will know that he is the Lord. (Who else could be so cruel?) A farmer with a stubborn mule?

16:6-41 God dresses up Jerusalem, cleans off the blood that she was wallowing in, and then watches her open her "feet to everyone that passeth by." She made "images of men" and committed "whoredom with them." God's really angry about it and says that she will be stoned "with stones and thrust through" with swords. More of the same: Outrage plus the usual addressed here.

16:25 She "opened [her] feet to every one that passed by," even to the Egyptians with the big penises (those who were "great of flesh). Ditto. Poor prudish SAB.

16:32-37 She poured out her filthiness, exposed her nakedness, and hired lovers to "come unto her on every side." Ditto again.

16:37 To punish her, God plans to strip her of her clothes in front of her lovers, take her "fair jewels," and leave her "naked and bare." Yep. Same.

16:40-41 Finally, God will have her former lovers stone her "with stones, and trust her through with their swords." That'll teach her, God figures, to quit "playing the harlot." Ironic isn't it that we were talking about stubborn mules...

16:45-58 "Thou art thy mother's daughter, that loatheth her husband and her children; and thou art the sister of thy sisters ..." And so begins a long, tiresome denunciation of Jerusalem. And so comes a bigoted description from a contextual ignoramus who has no knowledge of ANE literature.

18:4, 17-20 According to this verse, sons are not punished for their fathers sins. But this is directly contradicted in many places in the Bible. See here.

18:5-6 A good man never gets near a menstruating woman. See the why here.

18:9, 19 These verses say that the just "shall surely live," but elsewhere the Bible says that God destroys both the just and the unjust. The verses SAB cites in opposition? Two are proverbial (Job, Ecclesiastes) and one is Ezekiel 2:3, which specifically says God "will cut off from thee the righteous and the wicked." "Thee" here is Jerusalem, and cut off, sorry, is not killing.

18:24 God will kill you for making a single mistake; all your good deeds he will ignore. It does not say "single mistake" at all. It refers to pursuit of wickedness and "all the abominations" the wicked do.

18:32 God says, "For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth." That's funny, because as much killing as he does in this book and in the whole Bible, you'd think he must be getting some kicks out killing people. A smart-aleck comment that is no argument at all, other than by outrage.

20:7-10 God planned to "pour out [his] fury" on the Hebrews in Egypt for worshipping idols or other gods. Yes, and, what is the problem, other than that SAB thinks all gods are equally (un)real?

20:25-26 God gave the Israelites "statutes that were not good and judgments whereby they should not live." He "polluted" them so that later he'd have an excuse to destroy them. That way, he figures, they'll know that he is God. Two problems: 1) they were given these because they were already deep in iniquity, and therefore "asked for" what they got: a god who wouldn't bug them; 2) Once again ask, "Why did the farmer hit the mule..."

20:30-31 God continues to rant about other religious beliefs, calling it "whoredom." And SAB of course thinks it isn't because all religions are equally (in)valid to him. Begged question with a side of fries.

20:47-48 God will set a fire in the southern kingdom that will devour everything and burn "all faces from the south to the north." It's ancient war trash talk, but in any event, only argument by outrage.

21:3-5 Here we are told that God will kill everyone -- both the just and the unjust. But elsewhere in Ezekiel the Bible tells us that the just "shall surely live." See above, 18:9,19.

21:8-17 God waxes rhapsodic about swords and slaying again. SAB "argues by outrage" -- not rationally -- yet again.

21:28-32 Ezekiel Prophesies (in the 6th century BCE) that Ammonites will not be remembered any more. They continued to exist until the 2nd century CE. (And they are still remembered in the Bible.) Duh, ah,

see here -- it sounds like Pharaoh Ramsses III, doesn't it, the self-contradictory twit?

21:31-32 God continues to dream about how he will kill people, but he just can't seem to come up with any new ways. SAB continues to argue by outrage, having no rational argument to present and implicitly assuming all these people were surprised by God's judgment while playing backgammon.

22:1-16 God, through the mouth of Ezekiel, delivers another disgusting tirade about discovering the nakedness of fathers, committing adultery with neighbor's wives, sex with menstruating women, daughters-in-law, and sisters. But don't worry because God "will consume thy filthiness out of thee." SAB, through the eyes of a weenie and bigoted, prudish modern, categorizes as "disgusting" that which was not at the time and in this culture.

22:20-22 God will gather all of Israel and consume them in the fires of his anger. Argument by outrage, again.

22:30-31 God couldn't find anyone to stand up to him, so he's going to destroy everyone. Ditto.

23:1-46 Two sisters were guilty of "committing whoredoms" by pressing their breasts and bruising "the teats of their virginity." As a punishment, one sister's nakedness was discovered, her children were taken from her, and she was killed by the sword. And the fate of the surviving sister was even worse: Her nose and ears were cut off, she was made to "pluck off" her own breasts, and then after being raped and mutilated, she is stoned to death. Praise God. For contextual ignoramuses and cultural bigots who have a 7-11 on every corner. See entries above. Note of course that these women are allegories for Samaria and Judah.

23:20 One of the sister (Aholibah) had lovers "whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." Still see above.

24:3-14 God gets all excited about cooking with "scum" and human flesh, saying "kindle the fire, consume the flesh, and spice it well, and let the bones be burned ... Woe to the bloody city, to the pot whose scum is therein, and whose scum is not gone out of it." And finally, "her great scum went not forth out of her: her scum shall be in the fire." Ditto. This is all only a problem to modern weenies who sleep with a nightlight.

24:14 Does God repent? See here.

24:15-18 God kills Ezekiel's wife and then tells him not to mourn her. Yep, just more outrage.

25:4-16 God kills pretty much everyone in sight. He does this to let everyone know that he is the Lord. Among those slaughtered mercilessly are the Edomites, contrary to Deuteronomy 23:7, where God says they are not to be "abhorred, for he is thy brother." And again. Plus judgment is not "abhorrence," sorry.

26:6, 8 God explains that he will have the "daughters which are in the field be slain by the sword" so that "they shall know that I am the Lord." More outrage, nothing else.

26:14, 21 Ezekiel prophesies that Tyrus will be completely destroyed by Nebuchadrezzar and will never be built again. But it wasn't destroyed, as evidenced by the visits to Tyre by Jesus and Paul (Mt.15:21, Mk.7:24, 31, Acts 21:3). See here.

27:36 Ezekiel repeats the false prophecy of the destruction and perpetual desolation of Tyrus. (See Mt.15:21, Mk.7:24, 31, Acts 21:3). Ditto.

28:10 Watch out or God will make you "die the deaths of the uncircumcised," which is, no doubt, a most unpleasant death. Still more outrage. No rational argument, no benefit analysis of the greater good.

28:19 Once more Ezekiel repeats the false prophecy of the complete destruction of Tyrus and its perpetual desolation. See above.

28:22-23 God says that Zidon will know that he is the Lord when he sends "pestilence and blood into her streets." Here's that riddle for SAB: Why did the farmer hit the mule with a 2 by 4? Answer: To get his attention. Figure it out.

28:24-26 Ezekiel conveys God's promise that Israel will reside in their homeland safely, never again to be tormented by neighboring nations. One need only look to the newspaper for evidence that this has not been fulfilled. Israelites continued to be scattered from the area and tormented by other powers, including the Romans and Turks. In the 20th century, they were given a large portion of their homeland back, only to have the recent residents (Palestinians) revolt. After that, the surrounding Arab nations invaded Israel, though they were turned back. Israel has had nothing near a peaceful existence, nor does it appear they'll enjoy one anytime soon. Whoops, SAB doesn't know about prophetic hyperbole -- the peace would be understood as conditional.

29:2-5 God tells Ezekiel to prophesy against the pharaoh and against all Egypt. God says he will feed the Egyptians to the birds and beasts. Rational argument? No -- argument by outrage. And it's still typical ancient war talk. A 2 by 4 to get ancient attentions.

29:7-8 God makes "all their loins to be at a stand." When this is achieved, God will get out his sword and "cut off man and beast out of thee." Ouch! Too bad. SAB must have been a real weenie in the boys' locker room. The ancient Hebrews would have been the guys who beat him up.

29:10-13 Ezekiel makes another false prophecy: that Egypt would be uninhabited by humans or animals for forty years after being destroyed by Nebuchadrezzar. But there was never a time when Egypt was uninhabited. Humans and animals have lived there continuously since Ezekiel's prophecy. See here.

29:14-15 Egypt "shall be the basest of the kingdoms; neither shall it exalt itself any more above the nations: for I will diminish them, that they shall no more rule over the nations." But Egypt remained an important and often powerful nation. During the Tulunid dynasty (868-905 CE), for example, Egypt was the center of a small empire and conquered Syria. SAB calls that "important" and "powerful"? We're a little desperate, aren't we?

30:4-26 God will punish Egypt and her allies by sending Nebuchadrezzar to "fill the land with the slain." God will top it off by making "the rivers dry," selling the land to "the wicked," making "the land waste," lighting fires, destroying their idols and altars, and having the young men "fall by the sword." It's just more ancient war talk -- calm down, SAB. No one took this literally when Merneptah wrote the war stela, either.

30:12 The rivers of Egypt (identified as the Nile in NIV, NASB, and RSV) shall dry up. This has never occurred. Ditto on the above.

32:3-6 God says he will treat Pharaoh like a whale fished out of the sea. Every bird and beast in the world will feed upon him. Still nuttin' but outrage...

32:7 God "will cover the sun with a cloud, and the moon shall not give her light." To Ezekiel, the sun is just a little light that can be covered with a cloud, and the moon produces its own light. And of course SAB the bigot has never heard a modern meteorologist say, "The sun is peeking through the clouds", and is too much of a Philistine to listen to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

32:13 God takes a break from killing people while he kills all the animals in Egypt. SAB never gets off break to understand ancient war talk. Hopefully he would never take it literally if someone threatened to knock him into next Tuesday.

32:9-20 God wants people to get to know him better. That's why he kills so many people. He just wants them to know that he is the Lord. That's why the mule needs that 2 by 4, yep.

32:21-32 God's got a hardcore grudge against the "uncircumcised." Figure of speech for those who are morally impure. Of course God should just excuse all that sin, yes?

33:19 Here we are told that God will not destroy those who repent of their sins, but elsewhere the Bible says that God destroys both the wicked and the just. Repeat of above.

33:27-29 God plans some more killing by the sword, beasts, and the pestilence. I'm glad it's not by boring repetition of irrational "argument by outrage".

35:3-15 God "will fill his mountains with his slain men." Among these slain are the inhabitants of Idumea, the Edomites. Again, this contradicts with God's own decree in Deuteronomy 23:7. Only if you think it is "abhorring" to judge people (above).

36:5-6 God is furious and is out of control with the fire of his jealousy. Heck yeah. God should just let people lose eternal life by worshipping false gods, right?

36:16-17 In condemning Israel, God says, "their way was before me as the uncleanliness of a removed woman." Yep, it was ritual impurity. Again, what is SAB the bigot's problem with such figures of speech?

37:7-10 The leg bone is connected to the thigh bone .... Typical of the SAB bigot to mock an African-American spiritual celebrating this passage. Perhaps he would think that showing that African-Americans highly respected this passage as "the word of the Lord" (which SAB didn't of course quote from the song) is enough to ridicule it. Or else he's ignorant of the song's roots and uses it as a drinking song--certainly the Skeptics' Annotated Bible looks like it's written by someone whose one surviving brain cell is drowning in ethanol -- or else is Herman Munster.

37:15-17 God shows Ezekiel how to join two sticks together. SAB shows his Philistine ignorance by degrading ancient performance art.

37:23 Worshipping idols and other gods is "detestable." Usual begged question: To SAB this cannot be so because no gods exist. Let's have some tolerance for the 200 foot hoohoo god! Will this guy ever get a new argument? Uh, no ---

38:18-20 God says that he will get so darned angry that his fury will come up in his face and that even the fish, birds, beasts, and bugs will shake when they see him. God will throw a tantrum, toppling every wall and mountain. More ancient war talk. More irrational outrage by SAB, who thinks everyone was just playing chess when this all happened.

38:21-23 God will cause each man's sword to be against his brother; he will send disease and make it rain fire and brimstone. He says that by doing this he'll magnify and sanctify himself and let everyone know that he is the Lord. Outrage, yet more for that stubborn mule...

39:4, 17-20 God will have "ravenous birds" and "beasts" eat human flesh and drink human blood until they are full and drunken of "my sacrifice, which I have sacrificed for you." Ditto plus the war talk aspect.

39:10 God tells the Israelites to "rob those that robbed them." This, of course, would break the seventh commandment, but maybe God figures that in this case two wrongs would make a right. See here.

39:17-20 God is preparing a feast for the animals. He's going to have them eat human flesh until they are full and drink human blood until they are drunk. What a guy! What a contextual ignoramus! No knowledge of war talk in the ancient world. Just "argument by outrage."

44:9-13 God will not allow any uncircumcised foreigners into the sanctuary and, for any priests who worshipped idols, God will lift his "hand against them, ... and they shall bear their iniquity." And the problem is, what? Sorry, ritual purity was still the rule of the day, Mr. Bigot.

44:19 Apparently, if a priest has been in the temple chatting with God, some of God's "holiness" can rub off onto the priest and get stuck to his clothes. And, since God doesn't want just anyone getting hold to this "holiness," the priest has to change clothes. To get what's going on, see here yet again.