The Skeptics' Overrated Bible on Zephaniah and Haggai
as analyzed by
Sheila Rangslinger

This one is overwhelmingly "argument by outrage" and so doesn't require much comment.

Zephaniah

  • 1:2-3 God plans to kill every living thing. It actually says, "I will consume all from the land" -- not "every living thing." It's also typical of ancient war hyperbole (i.e., "trash talk") but in the meantime, we're still waiting for proof that the judgment was undeserved.
  • 1:4-6 God will "cut off" all those who "have not sought the Lord" or who worship another god. Ditto. Of course feel free to worship the pagan god with the 200 foot hoohoo. We'll save the bit on astrology for what SAB thinks are "pro" verses.
  • 1:7 The "day of the Lord" means any coming act of judgment, and in the context of Zephaniah just as well means exile to Babylon or Assyria. In other words, it's past tense.
  • 1:8 God "will punish the princes, and the king's children, and all such as are clothed with strange apparel." And they will not deserve it.
  • 1:12 God doesn't have night-vision, so he needs candles when he comes to punish these people that say, "The LORD will not do good, neither will he do evil": atheists, agnostics, freethinkers, etc. "Needs" them? It's a figure of speech for a thorough search; i.e., "No one will get away." Meanwhile we still haven't been shown why the punishment isn't warranted...
  • 1:14-18 Zephaniah prophesies that "the great day of the Lord is near." But we're still waiting, 2600 years later. You missed it. See here.
  • 1:17 God will "bring distress upon men" so that they "walk like blind men." He will pour out their blood like dust and "their flesh as dung." Yes, isn't that sad reading for a Victorian prude. See here.
  • 2:5 God plans to kill all the inhabitants of the sea coast. And they were all just innocents minding their own business, of course.
  • 2:9 God threatens to destroy Moab and Ammon in the same way that he did Sodom and Gomorrah. Ditto.
  • 2:11 God will be "terrible" to humans and will "famish all the gods." All the gods? It means "make thin" -- essentially, make them powerless. Problem? See more also here.
  • 2:12 God will kill the Ethiopians with his own sword. And they did nothing to deserve it. Just sitting around knitting.
  • 2:15 SAB the cultural bigot laughs at normal ANE signs of derision.
  • 3:1 "Woe to her that her that is filthy and polluted." Only women are filthy and polluted. "Only"? It says that? Note that the verse goes on, "to the oppressing city!"
  • 3:6 God brags about destroying a city and killing all of its inhabitants. Who were all just playing cards, drinking lemonade, etc.
  • 3:8 "All of the earth shall be devoured with the fire" of God's jealousy. And the problem is, what? See here maybe....
  • 3:12 After all of this smiting, God can only get the "afflicted and poor" people to believe in him. Yeah, who needs the afflicted and poor. Surely not a class-bigot like SAB....
  • 2:15 For some reason SAB thinks it is funny that God will sing.

    Haggai

  • 1:1 Same old song. The words here mean any male descendant -- son, grandson, father, grandfather.
  • 1:9 God huffs, and he puffs, and he blows the house down! A Wal-Mart way of saying, that God used the breath of His Spirit. In the ancient world breath was sacred and powerful and not just 3 Little Pigs fare. SAB the childish anachronist.
  • 1:11 Because the Israelites have not yet repaired the temple while selfishly tending to their own homes, God destroys their homes, dries up the crops and eliminates the labor. Where does he get that "tending to their own homes" bit? Heck, let God live in a cardboard box.
  • 2:6 In "a little while" God "will shake the heavens, and the earth, and the sea, and the dry land." Typical war trash-talk. What's the problem?
  • 2:8 God claims all the silver and gold for himself. He created it. Seems fair. What, does SAB want a lolly for Xmas?
  • 2:12 Be careful not to let any holy flesh touch any food or wine, because if you do your flesh won't be holy any more. That's right. See here.
  • 2:17 God brought blight and hail upon the Israelites, and he's mad because they don't turn to him? What the hell did he expect? Duh, a grateful people who recognized their source of life? Paging 200 Foot Hoohoo god.
  • 2:22 God will make the horses and their riders be killed by "the sword of his brother." How sad. And they were just sitting around playing tiddlywinks...