Ask D'ung!

Sk'lan aren't all bad guys. Take this one for instance. He's NOT what a good Sk'lan is like. But he is here to answer your questions....sort of. We wanted to let the bad guys have their chance to speak, and D'ung was very willing to take up the task when we explained to him that if he didn't we'd take away all his candy and make him spend hours listening to The Greatest Hits of the Sanslorian Males Choir.

But anyway....write him a note at this address (Sheila will forward it to him, when he's in a good mood) and we'll let him answer and post your question and his answer here.

Yo D'ung! I'm your long-lost cousin, D'oy! I want to know where I can find LEGO sets in Hearthstone!

PFFFT! Find between your EARS, dumb human!

P.S. What are your opinions about Lazy Agnostic and John Loftus?

Mosssst humansss dumb! They ssssuper dumbsesss!

GAHHH! Moooore sssstupid humanses? D'ung was having nice NAP!

I was wondering about that temper you have. Have you ever considered taking pills or seeing a psychiatrist for it? Beating the mess out of sentient beings is no way to get your anger out since it only helps it increase it. Catharsis only breeds more catharsis.

Human issss pussss-filled sssalami ssssack! D'ung NOT have temper! D'ung have grace and sssskill at colorful expressionsssess! And D'ung beats only NON-sentient beingsss -- like YOU! Ha ha!

By the way, my Chinese friend has several questions...

He can jumpssss off 1000 ssstory building! With YOU on back!

Do you like to drink coffee?

NO! Likessss to drop humanssss in boiling vatses of it! Ha ha!

I heard you are a bad person. Why is this?

Because you LISTENS! To ssstupid people! Get lost!



Hello D'ung,

Which is stronger, the Incredible Hulk or your smell?

Your unit out in left field,


GRRRAAH! What stronger your stupidity is! GET LOST!

Follow up:

Dear D'ung,

You said, "GRRRAAH! What stronger your stupidity is! GET LOST!"

I can go home now? Thank you!

Your former unit in left field,


P.S. Does this mean your smell is stronger than the Incredible Hulk?


Duh ah ah, duh-ah.

Uh, uh, ummmmm. Uh-huh.

Dah, um, duh-ah.





HEY! You D'ung's favorite song singing! STOP IT!

Dear D'ung,

Why is it that the Sk'lan seem to have no grammer skills what so ever? And yet, they are able to make incredible technology that most others do not have?

WHAT! Stupid dragon! Is OTHER people who grammar skills not have! Sk'lan grammar perfect is! And technology better too we make! In everything!

And why don't fully mech'ed up Sk'lan have pants anymore? Don't you miss pants!? THE POCKETS MAN! ... THE POCKETS TO HOLD CANDY IN!

GARHHH! Pockets not need! Candy right away we ALWAYS eat! Candy HOLD??? You something or stupid????

PS. Don't lave candy in your pockets too long, or they get all nasty.

Nasty like you, mean? Ha ha! Ha ha ha haa haaa! GRaaaaaak....

Dear D'ung!

ARRRR! What dumb human want?

The other day I was visiting a zoo and a peacock crossed my path. I beseech your evil wisdom to know why.

BLARRR! To other side get to of course, dumb human!

Also, while there I was looking at the gorilla exhibit when the uber-awesome gorilla smiled and waved at me. Why is this?

HA! Gorilla probably cute you thinks, ugly human!

Do you guys have zoos in the Cartel? And can we keep zoos if you take over our planet? Not that you ever will since I, Ninja, and other friends of mine would give you guys a good whopping if you tried.

PFFT! Zoos we have not! Nothing in them to put! Maybe we you and your friends make first zoo exhibits! Title STUPID HUMANS on sign put! Whopping? HA! D'ung phosophoron bomb stick down your slacks, how THAT you like?

By the way, could you return my DVD to the movie rental store? I'll pay you back with candy. Thanks!


T.S. Ninja

BA! For candy D'ung not store to DVD return -- will whole store take to where DVD is! Pay up!

Dear sir, why do you have such an unfortunate name? -- "P. I. Bald"

ARRRGH!!!!! Ssssstupid human person! D'ung does not "unfortunate name" have! D'ung have proud wonderful beautiful name just like D'ung's brothers -- D'oh, D'ah, and D'uh! Lost get! Road hit! Ignorant stoopy poopy head!

Dear D'ung,

If you were human, how would you interact with the opposite sex? -- "Darth X"

Pffffft! Incredibly dumb stupid human! All females nothing but a bunch of lazy good for nothing ugly-stupid worthless rotten grainfruit pulp! D'ung special trash can have for such things! Go away!

Hey, D'ung, how come Sk'lan are so funny looking? What happened to your fur? Is that why you act so up tight all the time? -- "Teal L."

GARRRRAH! Who funny looking call YOU, human that like shaved Sanslorian look?!? Sk'lan have fur under implant skins! Where you keep YOUR fur? Probably between your stupid looking ears, dumb human! BLARRRRGH!!!!

Dearest and ever-loathable D'ung,

I hope you don't mind receiving this letter. Of course, undoubtedly you will, in fact, be terribly bothered by the experience. However, such is life for Cartel scum such as yourself.

WHAT! D'ung will CRUSH stupid human with gang of thugs with giant revolvable wooden mallets armed! Jerk!

I have several questions that I would like to submit for you to answer.

BAH! D'ung have several fists D'ung would to your ugly toothless mouth like to submit! Pooey!

When and how was the Cartel founded?

WHAT! Go in traffic play, dumb human! Cartel never LOST! So how Cartel be founded? Idiot human! Stupid question!

Have you ever heard of a fellow named Eidolon? If so, what are your impressions of him?

GRARH!!!! D'lon just another STUPID inferior slave! Wears stupid outfit! Makes stupid prophecies! If D'ung had way dumb D'Lon would be put in washing machine for eternity on spin cycle! So there!

I have a vial of Sk'lan blood sitting on my dresser. What's it good for? I was thinking of maybe decorating the walls of the bathroom with droplets of it, but I'd like to hear your take.

WHAT! Ridiculous human NOT Sk'lan blood defile! Will send pestilence down on your head if you ONE DROP spill! Put back where it found! NOW! Or else send candy to D'ung! Please? Squizzleberry do!

How many chains of command does the Cartel have?

Only chains Cartel has, chains we wrap around scrawy human's neck when we your sorry planet too take over! And edible fungus farm turn into! BAH!

Have you ever been placed in charge of any of the Cartel's operations?

YES! D'ung in charge of answering STUPID questions from STUPID people like YOU! BAH!

How do you respond to the following assertion?

As a single example, we the selalighi should make what, it is? The abnormal Sanslorian reaches the point where you become bald, travels to the edge of the Nullaborian north. This requires the mass dance which is mixed. As for your Tilkrig there is a fire, therefore bake the confectionary treat. Sk'lan do not live by grainfruit alone. As for medicine in us! "Three" from the allegation divides with the tube organ inside them in regard to the character of monstrosity power from the south range of the fruit. You occur!

WHAT! Where did numbskull human get plot for D'ung's upcoming best-selling novel??? I come over there and your buttocks kick until red turn!

Is the Axis a pleasant location for a vacation in the cooler periods of the revolution?

YES! D'ung place in gulag just for YOU reserve! Nice cell with good view of toxic sludge plant and friendly bugs to share bed with!

Which is largest: Sylidbia, Pholista, or Elxisia?

Space between your EARS largest, dumb human!

Is there anyone famous (or infamous) in your ancestry?

ALL Cartel Sk'lan famous and worthy of honor, human! Bow down before us! One at a time, me first!

What is the Cartel's ultimate goal?

As of now, make YOU shut up! Put phosphoron bomb in your pantyhose, how you that like????

I wish I had more time to write, but I hear the sounds of a lower lifeform's digestive system reversing.

Must be your tiny brain wriggling our your ear trying to find classier neighborhood! Bwwaaa haaa haaa!

Thank you for your time. You are truly an operative with doodoo in your soul. A mild curse upon the bones of your iniquitous ancestors.

With sincerest distaste,


BAH! May the creetah bugs of ten thousand scum ponds infest your armpit and you eternal itch cause, loser head! Hope you die painful miserable death in next ten ticks and then get buried in landfill under dead pachyderm! SPOOT!

Dear Mr. D'ung,

I am distressed that you're receiving hate mail from people who have never met you, and have jumped to conclusions without hearing you out.

D'ung like to hear of human in distress! Hope I get MORE hate mail, unhappier make you! BLAH!

On my world, we have people who believe that morality is relative. It's all a matter of perspective. It could very well be that the cause of the Cartel is noble, and just, and we're only getting a slanted point of view from the perspective of the Range Patrol and those who oppose you. I mean, how do we know Eidolon isn't a false prophet? How do we know Sheila Rangslinger has the best interests of Hearthstone at heart? And those people who call themselves Snowdrop and Brimstone -- aren't they deviants, or freaks of nature?

EVERYONE freaks except Cartel Sk'lan! D'Lon jerk! Sh'la 'slinger UGLY good for nothing! Snowdrop, Brimstone OUR idea steal for thermal-cryonic warriors and play trick on us by to die refusing like other slaves did! SPOOT! Soon all Hearthstone get "perspective" of GROUND when we on their necks step! Your world too! Then everything else!

And so I am grateful to Mr. J. P. Holding for giving you the opportunity to present your case from your perspective. Tell us why we should believe in you and the Cartel. Is the Cartel the best hope for restoring peace and order to Hearthstone?

You bet! Peace best when everyone shut up and do what WE say to do! No more whining because whiners DIE! Plenty of peace AND quiet! Order? You too bet! We order EVERYONE around! They not obey order, they DIE! Simple! That why Cartel best to rule! We SIMPLE!

What are the benefits of joining the Cartel? And how does one join the Cartel?

All hail the Noble Cause,

A Potential Convert

Human to join Cartel wish, HUH? BAH! Human can start as kitchen slave and work way up maybe to Sk'lan estate doormat, then if work is useful to us, maybe we even your own gloomy dungeon room give you! Human send resume' with references and 200 boxes of petit fours to D'ung, THEN maybe we think about it! If human allowed to join we send own slave collar to wear with very pretty spikes on it! Now BEAT IT! Unless you candy have?

Dear D'ung,

Thank you for your answers back to all those people. You crack me up, you really do! Your verbal abuse is sooo funny! I was convulsing with laughter at your replies! Also, the very sight of you makes my brother and I laugh. You would make a great cuddly toy for the little ones!

BRAAAGGGH! You LAUGH at D'ung??! You turn D'ung into stuffed animal!? D'ung stuff you with thermonuclear warhead, how you like that! PFFFT!

Any chance of us meeting on msn messenger so we can bash each other over the head verbally? It would be such fun!

BLAH! Dumb human have deal! You go there first and starting practice by bashing own self over head! Dumb human!

To D'ung:

This is teh Borg. You will be assimilated into our collective. Resistense is futile. That is all.

BWAAAHAAAHAAA! Stupid human stupid Borg send, assimilate US? We assimilate THEM! They never find Sk'lan's brain!

Hey D'ung, I was curious. What do you do in your free time? I mean when your not responding to letters or planning world domination. Does the Cartel have television or video games?

BAH! Sk'lan ALWAYS world domination planning! Yours next! Stupid question! Televisor and games for pathetic sissies like YOU who too stupid to world dominate!

Or maybe theres a nice lady Sk'lan out there for you? -- Sir Tal

WHAT! Sk'lan told other stupid human, females stupid too! Females always attention demand, attention male Sk'lan deserve! Wear stupid perfume! PHEW! YUK! Got stupid long hair, in weapons stuck get! AAARGH! True Sk'lan, females got RID of! Go in traffic play!

Dear D'ung,

Why are your circuits and eyes red? Was it just the fashion at the time?

GAH! None of stupid human's BUSINESS why D'ung red pick, but since human sent candy, D'ung answer! Sk'lan eye and circuit colors so, because of what do as special job! Red mean specialist in communication tech and language, see, like D'ung is, which why is D'ung picked to answer stupid letters from stupid humans! Rest colors secret! Kiss off or send more candy!

How does Holding get you to answer these mails?

GRRR! Dumb human! Holding threaten D'ung's candy to take, and to Sanslorian Males Choir Best Hits force listen! Also, draw D'ung in pink tutu threaten to! D'ung hates Holdingsses! FOREVER!!!

Which is your favorite candy, a chocolate bar, a sugar cane with squizzleberry flavour, a nice big ice cream, hot fudge? -- "Lee O."

Human, samples of all three send, LOTS, and D'ung will decide! At least five revolutions' supply need! Send NOW or D'ung will missile up human's nose stick! BLLLLARRRGH!!